Our beautiful baby boy ~Bailey~ was born sleeping on 24 March 2009
My lovely mum, Val, passed away on 9 April 2015 (my best friend)

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Eek, This Is Just Too Hard

Today my Dad and I visited a cemetery to find a perfect resting place for my Mum.

I also want one for Bailey, and thought this would be a great opportunity to organise something for him too.  We scattered Bailey's ashes, so the problem is, I don't have them.  They offered an alternative and that is to place extra writing on Mum's to include Bailey's date too.  Still thinking on this. 

We are still undecided as to where we will place Mum, so for now, she's here with me.  I'm sure that doesn't bother her one bit as we were so close.

Eek, I'm grieving all over again.  It's really hard again.  It's bringing back emotions I haven't felt in a while.  I don't like it.  I think I'm starting grieving for Bailey again too.  It was hard the first time, but it feels like a double dose of grieving.

People are non existent again.  Death really drives people away from you, and I'm bloody sick of it.  Just when you need people the most, that's when they aren't around.  If I hear anyone else say that they wanted to give me space, well I can tell you, THAT DOESN'T WORK.  More space, more time to think about things, more time I find out THAT I DON'T WANT AND NEED YOU!!!!

My best friend is the best.  I told her I appreciated all the messages, even when I didn't reply, she never let me down.  One message of support is all it takes, just to let someone know that you are thinking of them, nothing else required.  I don't need to sit for hours talking, I won't get in your way, but a few little messages here and there makes everything that much easier, to even know someone cares enough to send a quick 10 second text.

SO, GIVING ME SPACE HASN'T HELPED, JUST MADE ME REALISE YOU DON'T CARE EVEN WHEN I ALREADY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CASE.

This is especially true for my in-laws when I need family the most - YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY YOUR ACTIONS HAVE PROVED THIS.  I'VE LOST MY MUM!!!!

Okay, anger grief has set in. I hope it eases soon.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Love you, Mum


video

My Mum

My Mum passed away on Thursday, 9 April 2015.  I'm devastated.  She had been sick for a little while, but always managed to pull through, so this was totally unexpected.

I'm incredibly sad.  Mum was my best friend.  We talked on the phone nearly every day, I'd see her a few times a week, we shopped together almost every week.  I've lost a lot when Mum died.  I lost my friend, my adviser, my sympathiser, the person who was always, always on my side.

I held her head while she died, she was looking straight at me and there was nothing I could do.  I couldn't save her.  I panicked and told her to hang on, if only she could pull through then I'd keep her safe.  God needed Mum more than me, and He did give us a second chance together.

Even though I watched her die, I saw her in her coffin at her funeral, and I can't just pick up the phone and talk to her, I still can't believe she's gone. 

I wrote her eulogy, created her DVD of her photos for the funeral, but I've been on auto mode the whole time.  Numb to any feeling.

My last act is to pick up her ashes from the funeral home, and I don't want to do it.  I've been telling Will that we need to pick up Mum and in some ways, just saying Mum without the ashes, gives me comfort. I know that once I pick up her ashes, the whole reality of her dying will hit.

Mum is now with Bailey in Heaven.  I'm going to place some of Mum's ashes where we scattered Bailey's.  I feel so weak, so sad, so withdrawn.  I have Brodie and Kyle depending on me to be their Mum, and I know Mum would want me to carry on for them.  I just need to mourn first.

"I love you Mum so, so much and I'm so glad I got the chance to tell you how much I love you before you left.  Love you forever, and to the moon and back xxxx"