March - Bailey's Upcoming Angel Anniversary

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.  Next month is Will's birthday, my birthday and Bailey's birthday.  I lost Bailey just 3 days after my birthday last year.  It seems incredible that it's been nearly a whole year since I said goodbye to my little boy.  A goodbye I wish I never had to make "I love you sweetheart".  So far, I think I'm okay with Bailey's upcoming angel anniversary.  Not sure what we will do on his day, but I'll try to make it a very special day. 

Today I also had a blood test to check whether I have developed cholestasis.  I get the results sometime next week.  Even though I'm probably okay, I've been starting to get tingles and minor itching, so thought I'd get it checked out now, rather than wait for anything else to develop. 

I start leave next week.  I'm just too tired to continue on any longer, as well as having a full on toddler wanting a lot of attention when I get home - it's just too exhausting. 

Our nursery still isn't ready for our new bub.  Not sure if it's because I just wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay with this baby first, or because our garage is full of Will's parents stuff and I still have no room for our stuff.  Once I start leave I'm hoping to start organising it.  I have lots of special feeding equipment now for bub.  Still very nervous about feeding baby, but since lots of other people have managed before me, I'm sure we'll work it out in the end. 

25 Weeks - Ultrasound Pictures

A couple of days ago, I received a letter from the ultrasound place and enclosed were these two pictures of my gorgeous baby.

I was so happy that they thought to send these to me.

"I love you little baby".

Ultrasound on Baby's Cleft

Great news.  Baby is doing really well, and is growing at the rate he should. 

Our first diagonsis was that he had bilateral cleft lip and palate, but after this ultrasound it has now been diagnosed as an unilateral cleft lip and palate.  This is such good news as only one side of his lip and palate are affected by the cleft.  Even though he'll still need surgery, speech care (most likely to ensure he doesn't have a nasal sound) and orthodontics, I believe the one side only would be considered a milder form of a cleft.  Our baby didn't really co-operate with the ultrasound technician, but she definitely confirmed that he is in fact a boy.  Brodie is going to love having a little brother to play with his car collection with him (Brodie is so mad about cars that he now insists that he takes his cars into the bath with him).

I've been praying that our baby's cleft wouldn't be as severe as our first diagonsis.  I'm so relieved that my prayers and hopes provided a milder form of a cleft.  Thank you so much, God.

It was so great to hear good news (almost forgotten what it felt like to hear good news).

Letter to Bailey - Brodie's 2nd Birthday Photo

Dear sweet Bailey,

Just wanted to share with you a photo of Brodie celebrating his 2nd Birthday.  He's cute, don't you think?  I wish with all my heart that you could have been included in this photo, too, just like you should have been.

Miss you beautiful baby.

Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxx

Holding my first newborn in ages

I held a newborn baby boy today, the first time since I lost Bailey.  I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to hold one so little.  It was wonderful to hold a brand new baby, sleeping, content and absolutely perfect.  He is beautiful.  I was thinking about Bailey and how tiny he was compared to a full-term baby (he would be nearly 5 months old now if he was born on his due date), and how my new little one will be just as warm, cuddly and content.  Brodie and I bought little Charlie a couple of jumpsuits, and Brodie knew that they were for a baby - he was so cute in showing my mum what we had bought for Charlie.

I was trying to imagine the baby with a cleft as mine will have a hole in his face.  Will people think my baby isn't perfect?  Will I be able to cope with the stares of strangers until my little one has his operation?  I'm really grateful for this chance to have another baby, but I can't help but think sometimes, why?  Not only did I lose a precious son, but everything else in my life has been so hard, so why does my son need to go through additional hardship, too?  Why does my son have to go through years of operations to achieve what all of us take for granted?

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad today, maybe everything will be okay tomorrow, and I won't question things again, and I'll just be happy for my little one, and I'll know things will turn out okay.

Upsetting Family Member

Someone at Christmas asked how many children I was planning on having.  I told her just two live children (Brodie and my new little one) as it had always been my intention to have two.  She said that is good as I shouldn't try for anymore.  Not sure if someone else should verbalise their opinion on how many children someone should have.  It kind of makes me angry that someone should feel the need to remind me once again the problems I have in bringing children into this world. 

Reality is, is that this baby will be my third child, and I love all my children.  If I wanted to have more children, isn't that really up to me and my husband, and no-one else?  I don't know why, but this woman always has the most crappiest opinions and comments that are really of no business to her.  Unfortunately she is my sister-in-law so I'm kind of stuck with listening to this sort of rubbish. 

Gosh the first day I met her, she asked if we were on our first date (does she really think my now husband would have taken me to meet her on our first date), then as we had used my car to visit, she asked who's car it was and when I told her it was mine, she said you can't drive though, and I asked her where she got that idea from, it's because I catch the train into the city to work (I'm not financially set up to pay for parking in the city everyday).  At the birth of Brodie she asked how is her son related to Brodie (of course, cousins, and 2 years on she still can't spell Brodie's name correctly).  So, it does go on and on, so at the end I shouldn't let her opinions/comments get to me, but once my decisions for my children is involved, it just really hurts.  It hurts to hear that other's may have formed the opinion that I shouldn't have children.

Letter to Bailey

To Dear Bailey,

We missed you this Christmas.

The day was so full, that Brodie only managed to get about half an hour of sleep between visits to family.  We started off with giving Brodie his Christmas present, he didn't really know what to do with it, so we opened it for him.  He got a racing track for his hot wheels cars - your brother is turning into a car fanatic.  We then went to your Uncle and his girlfriend's place for breakfast.  Brodie ate two pancakes, which surprised us.  We then headed off to your grandparents for lunch.  Your other Uncle was there, and Brodie was so spoilt (his new nick name for his Uncle is "horsey").  Then it was off to another Uncle and Aunty's house for more food and presents.  We had a good day, but maybe a bit too busy.  Everyone would have spoilt you, too, being it would have been your first Christmas.  I miss you so much.

We received a gift voucher at a Lavendar Farm in Lyndoch, near where your ashes are.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable with your ashes being there now.  It's such a lovely country town, and I know you would have been okay with your ashes being there, too.

Everyone was excited for us to be expecting your little brother.  My belly is large now, and everyone who didn't know before know now, and are really happy for us.  For me, it was just easiest for people to notice my pregnancy, than actually tell them about it. 

Your little brother is moving lots, and I'm now just starting to really enjoy this pregnancy.  It's so reassuring to feel his movements.  I'm so looking forward to your brother's arrival.

Bailey, I just wanted to let you know that I love you as much as when I first found out about you.  I miss you little one.  I hope you're having a wonderful time in Heaven.

Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxxxx

Appointments with Plastic Surgeon and Speech Pathologist

I've now met our baby's plastic surgeon and speech pathologist.  Both appointments made me feel positive about the life my baby will have.  There will be quite a few operations, lots of orthodontic work and our baby's speech will be monitored yearly and if needed more surgery to help with any speech impediments.  I guess in a way I now know what's ahead and it's not as daunting as I first thought (considering I have a fear of doctors and hospitals myself). 

The speech pathologist asked a teenager who is at the end of her journey with the operations, orthodontic work and speech check ups, what she would say to a parent who's unborn baby has just been diagonsed with a cleft lip and palate and she said "don't worry, everything works out in the end, and I think my scar looks cool".  The speech pathologist said the first year of my baby's life will be the hardest with lots of medical appointments, then they'll slowly drop off, then once the permanent teeth come through, then it's off to lots of appointments again. 

I have another scan on 8 January to check on baby's cleft and hopefully we'll get to see a clearer picture of how much of a cleft it is.  I showed the speech pathologist the pictures I have, and she's reasonably sure that the palate is involved.  It does look like to me that one side is complete but maybe the other side is incomplete.  I guess no point in guessing and we most likely won't know until baby is here anyway.

Our First Cleft Support Group Meet-up

Brodie, Will and I went to our first cleft support group get together yesterday. It was at a play park for little kids. Brodie even got a present from Santa, which I thought was gorgeous since we aren't members yet. I was really nervous before going, but the people who attended are friendly and happy, so it made things a bit easier for us.

We got to see other kids with clefts, and to see the outcome of the surgeries. Only one baby was there that hadn't had the surgery yet. The kids all look happy and very outgoing, and Brodie had a ball with them as they are about his age. You can tell the children there that have a cleft condition to those that don't so it was interesting to see what the outcome of the surgeries are. Obviously there is scarring that can't be avoided, but I guess when you compare before and after surgery there is a huge difference.

There was a cleft affected person in his 60s and one in his 30s, and it was interesting to hear their stories as they had to wait much longer for their surgeries, and how they are still going in for more surgeries. Life long condition, so it doesn't just stop with the surgeries in infancy.

Still a bit scary for me though, but I guess once my little baby is born, and everything starts falling into place, we'll get through it.

I started initially telling people about our baby's condition, but have stopped now, because people's reaction to it is the same as when they found out I lost Bailey. It can't be avoided obviously, but right now I just want to get everything right in my head first, before dealing with other's reactions.

Our Beautiful Baby

Baby's First Appointments

Next week I have my baby's first appointment with the plastic surgeon. He'll be discussing what happens after the baby is born and timeframe for surgeries, etc. I also have an appointment with a speech pathologist to discuss feeding needs of this baby as baby won't be able to be breastfed (I was told that the speech pathologist has a child with a cleft lip and palate, so not only can she help us with the fundamentals, but she can help with her own personal experience, too).

The Craniofacial Unit in Adelaide has organised these appointments for me, and I was told that even after the initial surgeries have taken place, they'll want to check up on my little one ongoing for years. I guess in a way I feel like we're going to get a lot of support with our baby, which is very comforting to know.

After losing Bailey, I really feel like I'm in a different place now, and feel I am coping and can cope with my new baby's situation a lot better than maybe what I could if I hadn't felt what it feels like to lose a baby and know that if I could have done something to prevent his lost I would have. Just knowing that, if everything continues to go well, I'll be taking home a healthy baby no matter what.

I'm excited for my little one, because I know that even though life won't start off perfect, the best care possible is already taking place and baby will be coming into a family that already loves it with all our hearts.

Christmas Service

We attended the Christmas Service for people who have lost someone in their lives at the Funeral Directors a couple of weeks ago. It was a nice service, but even though short, it was still too long for my 2 year old. He complained a bit through the Service, but something I should have expected anyway.

We placed Christmas Cards on a tree for our lost ones, and then later they cremate the Christmas Tree and Cards.

It was quite emotional especially when I tried reading aloud the poems in the book, so I stopped, and then of course Brodie was asking for a lot of attention which took the focus off the Service.

Unfortunately my mum decided to have an argument with my husband at the end of the Service, which really ruined the day. I still can't understand why she chose that time to air her grievances and it really disappointed me that she did that. It really sucked how I wasn't able to think on Bailey the way I should have.

I have had some more appointments with regards to our baby's cleft lip and palate and have been in touch with a local support group. We have a recommendation for a surgeon already who will perform the surgeries, and will meet him before the baby's birth so that he can prepare us for the outcome of the birth and then the surgeries that will follow.

Our Baby - Cleft Lip

We saw our new baby via ultrasound on Wednesday. We have good news and not so good news. Our baby looks healthy, active and was quite mischievous during the scan and we were so relieved to see our baby moving about.

We were told at the end of the scan that our baby has a bilateral cleft lip and most likely it extends to the palate. Being told news that something is wrong with your baby comes as a shock and after losing Bailey in March I thought that the outcome of the scan would be that our baby would be perfect in every way. Obviously this condition isn't life threatening and is repaired through surgery during the baby's first year in life, and then will require speech therapy as it grows and orthodontic work. We most likely won't be able to breastfeed, but I'm going to try my best to express as much as I can and then feed the baby through a modified teat. I guess once I got over the shock of hearing the news, and looked into the condition and knowing that other than the cleft lip and palate, my baby should otherwise be in excellent health.

The baby will now be monitored for how serious the cleft lip and palate is. It isn't at this point certain that the palate is involved, but as the lip is severly affected on both sides, it is most likely split too. The doctors want me to be as informed as I possibly can before the baby's birth and prepared for the outcome of what my baby will look like once it is born.

I love this baby no matter what and if others have difficulties coming to terms with our baby then it's their problem. I'm trying to toughen myself up now for the looks and comments that I'm sure I'll come across (gosh, I know I'll be so protective).

Please pray for my little baby that the condition isn't as severe as it could be, and that there are no other underlying conditions that sometimes are associated with a cleft lip and palate.

19 Week Scan and Christmas Service of Rememberance

This afternoon I'm having my 19 week scan. I'm excited to be seeing my baby again, but also quite nervous, as at my 19 week scan with Bailey we found out he wasn't going to make it.

We are going to attend a Christmas Service of Rememberance on Sunday at the Funeral Directors that cremated Bailey. We get a chance to write in a Christmas card for our lost ones, and place them on the Christmas tree there. I've got a special Christmas card for Bailey, which says on the front "For you, Son", and then inside the card "Just to let you know you're always in many loving thoughts and happy memories - and that's especially true at Christmas - You're such a special son. Merry Christmas with Love", and then I'll write our special message to Bailey inside it. I'm looking forward to it as it is a chance for me to openly love my son. My parents are also coming and will bring a special card for Bailey, too.

We are not sure if we will find out what this baby is. Will doesn't want to know, but I do. I'm thinking another little boy, while Will thinks this one is a girl (first time in 3 pregnancies has he ever suggested it may be a girl - well he did get Brodie and Bailey right).

Secret Garden Meeting - October

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been nearly 8 months since I lost Bailey but seems like only yesterday I said goodbye to my little boy. I've been thinking I'm doing okay with dealing with my grief, but I don't know whether I really have, or whether I've coped by not dealing with it at all. I'm sad that I never kept Bailey's ashes. I had them scattered in the Barossa Valley thinking that would be a sweet thing to do, but now it feels like I've just thrown him away, and so what I thought was a nice gesture has turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. Now, I can't even go into the Barossa without turning into a wreck, and that's only when I manage to actually go. Now I avoid the place as much as possible. We didn't have a memorial service for him, which is another thing I regret. Our pastor said we could have one when we are ready, but I should have done it straight away, as I now doubt it will ever happen. How could I have not done this? I felt I wouldn't be able to cope through a service, but now my feelings just linger, so I guess in a way I didn't really even say goodbye to him.

I don't feel any peace at all. I feel like I'm the only one who ever will love him, the only one to truly care. I'm pregnant again, but it doesn't take away the pain. Losing a child changes everything.

I'm tired of people wondering if I'll lose this baby, checking me every week that things are okay - why can't this pregnancy be treated like any other. I'm being positive that everything will be okay and that I'll bring home a healthy baby next year. Any anxiety is within me so I don't need other people creating more for me - which is exactly what happens when they question me every week. I told someone a couple of weeks ago about the pregnancy, and they said "that's a good thing, isn't it?", what!!!! Would I ever have thought about having another baby if it wasn't a good thing, if I thought every one of my pregnancies would end in loss - I can't think like that, I had to try again. I see my healthy (but oh so naughty) 2 year old, and think "I've done it, I had a healthy baby, so really there's no reason why I can't produce another healthy baby". Does losing a baby mean you can't try to have another?

I'm jealous of friends and family having babies without going through any pregnancy loss - seeing how easy it is for them, and them not knowing what it really feels like to lose a baby. I would never wish anyone to lose a baby, but at the same time, I feel so jealous that they don't have to spend the rest of their lives with grief, wanting their baby that they've lost so much.

I hope to get through this pregnancy, and have a baby at the end. I'm being positive and believe that this will happen (oh gosh, I pray that I do). I want my children to know their brother, and love him as much as I do. I know that with grief things are up and down, so all I can do is take one day at a time. I hope that I can forgive my choices for Bailey and that I've done the right thing by him, and that he is okay with that. I want my heart to feel again, and let people in that I've blocked out. I want to know that my husband still thinks about Bailey and hasn't just gotten over it (he doesn't mention Bailey in his prayers anymore and it's breaking my heart not to hear him say his name).

Letter to Bailey

Dear Bailey,

I'm still missing you so much. Thank you for coming into our lives even though it was such a short time, and even though you didn't get to take a breath of air, I got the chance to hold you and kiss you as much as I could in the hours that we shared together.

Thank you for sending down your brother or sister, and letting me know about the little bundle on your due date.

A couple of weeks ago at 15 weeks, I finally told work that I'm expecting your brother or sister. Everyone is very happy for me. Still lots of people don't know, and for some reason I'm finding it really hard to let them know - the words just aren't coming out of my mouth even though at times I'm desperate to tell. Why am I so scared to share my wonderful news? My baby bump is smaller than when I was pregnant with you and Brodie, but there definitely is a bump there. I'm so amazed how I've managed to now get to 17 weeks, and some people still not noticing.

With my wonderful new doctor, we finally got answers as to why things went so wrong while I was pregnant with you. I'm so sorry my blood caused all these bad things to happen to you. If I had have known this could have happened, I would have done everything I could to ensure your safety, and that's what I'm doing now to protect your brother or sister.

Brodie is now 2. Funny how the "terrible twos" have started right on time. Your big brother can really frustrate me, but he's such a gorgeous little man, so I never can stay too upset with him for too long.

I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm constantly thinking of you, constantly loving you, and constantly missing you.

Hoping you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all the beautiful angel babies up there with you.

Lots of love forever,
Mummy
xxxxxxxxx