Kyle - Lip Repair Surgery

Kyle's lip repair surgery has been booked for 6 July.  I'm nervous about my little one going into hospital for surgery, but I was told by the plastic surgeon that the surgery often only takes about 1 hour or less, so at least I'm not waiting for hours before I can see my baby again. 

Kyle's grown so much, and smiles and gurgles a lot.  Brodie has adjusted to life with his new little brother, and shows him a lot of love.  Gosh, they are so cute together.

Bailey - My Beautiful Son

I've been thinking that I'm so proud of my beautiful Bailey, that I should share a photo of him.  So now my blog includes a photo of my gorgeous boy.

I wasn't sure if I should share the coloured photo or black and white, so for now, I'm displaying the black and white photo.

I proudly display his coloured photo in our family room and he is so beautiful.  His photo will always be on display in our home, and his brother's will grow up knowing about their little / big brother up in Heaven.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Bailey and miss him deeply.  "Love you so much, Bailey".

My Boys

It's been busy.  Kyle has been attending lots of appointments with a range of specialists regarding his cleft.  The Speech Pathologist and Ears, Nose and Throat specialist don't need to see Kyle again as his cleft lip will not affect the way he speaks or hear.
The main surgery will be the repair of Kyle's lip.  His gum and orthodontic work will occur when his permanent teeth come through, and touch up work to his lip if and when necessary.

We certainly haven't forgotten Bailey with the birth of our new baby.  I still think about Bailey everyday, he's always in my prayers.  Daily I ask God to give Bailey a kiss for me - I miss him so much.  I now wonder if he would have looked liked Brodie growing up, as Kyle is the splitting image of his big brother when he was a newborn.  I also wonder if he would have inherited the golden blonde hair, too. 

We have three boys now.  I never thought that I would have three boys, I never actually thought we would be a producer of boys especially since I'm such a girl.  Our family is complete now, so there will be no little girls in our household.  In some ways, I'm so happy that I have boys that can grow up with each other and hopefully be best friends.

My Gorgeous Boys

My Easter Baby

Introducing our latest addition to our family "KYLE BAILEY".

Kyle was born on Saturday, 3 April at 3.40pm, weighing 3.26kgs and 47.5cms long.

As mentioned in earlier posts, Kyle was diagnosed with a unilateral cleft lip and palate.  I'm happy to report that yes, Kyle does have a cleft lip, but his palate is all intact without a cleft.

We are so happy with our new addition, and believe that Bailey has been watching out for and taking care of his little brother.  God has answered all our prayers for our little boy.

Kyle Bailey (our little miracle)

To Bailey on your 1st Birthday

To our beautiful Bailey on your first birthday.

We can't put into words how much we miss you, how much we wanted you and how much you are loved.

Today, Brodie and I went to the shops and bought you a cake to celebrate our love for you.  We made a donation in your name, and bought two teddies that we have donated in your memory. 

We wish so much that we were celebrating your first birthday with you. 

We hope you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all your angel friends. 

I imagine you as a gorgeous blonde and blue eyed 1 year old, with a gigantic smile and a heart full of love and happiness.

Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and your new little brother
xxxx

19 March 2009

On 19 March 2009, we found out our little boy wasn't going to make it. 

It was our 19 week scan, and the news we received was the worst news we could possibly have been told.  Our precious baby boy was very sick.

I hate that day, I hate having being told our baby had a lot of problems, I hate that ultrasound room, I hate having had to wait at my OB's rooms full of happy pregnant women while waiting to be told "your baby isn't viable", I hate that my OB said he would pass me onto a specialist to care for us while he went overseas, I hate the fact that I did everything I could not to cry when I walked back into the waiting room, I hate the car ride home afterwards, and telling my mum about her grandson while she was sick in hospital.

This day last year was the worst day of my life and the day my dreams for my baby were crushed.

Letter to Bailey - Miss You So Much

Dear Bailey,

Missing you lots.  Can't believe your birthday is coming up, and that your little brother will be here soon. 

Thinking of you everyday.  I don't always know what to say to you, but I want you to know how much you are missed, how much I love you, how much I wish I could change everything for you.

Love you so much.
Mummy
xxxxxxxxxx

March - Bailey's Upcoming Angel Anniversary

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.  Next month is Will's birthday, my birthday and Bailey's birthday.  I lost Bailey just 3 days after my birthday last year.  It seems incredible that it's been nearly a whole year since I said goodbye to my little boy.  A goodbye I wish I never had to make "I love you sweetheart".  So far, I think I'm okay with Bailey's upcoming angel anniversary.  Not sure what we will do on his day, but I'll try to make it a very special day. 

Today I also had a blood test to check whether I have developed cholestasis.  I get the results sometime next week.  Even though I'm probably okay, I've been starting to get tingles and minor itching, so thought I'd get it checked out now, rather than wait for anything else to develop. 

I start leave next week.  I'm just too tired to continue on any longer, as well as having a full on toddler wanting a lot of attention when I get home - it's just too exhausting. 

Our nursery still isn't ready for our new bub.  Not sure if it's because I just wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay with this baby first, or because our garage is full of Will's parents stuff and I still have no room for our stuff.  Once I start leave I'm hoping to start organising it.  I have lots of special feeding equipment now for bub.  Still very nervous about feeding baby, but since lots of other people have managed before me, I'm sure we'll work it out in the end. 

25 Weeks - Ultrasound Pictures

A couple of days ago, I received a letter from the ultrasound place and enclosed were these two pictures of my gorgeous baby.

I was so happy that they thought to send these to me.

"I love you little baby".

Ultrasound on Baby's Cleft

Great news.  Baby is doing really well, and is growing at the rate he should. 

Our first diagonsis was that he had bilateral cleft lip and palate, but after this ultrasound it has now been diagnosed as an unilateral cleft lip and palate.  This is such good news as only one side of his lip and palate are affected by the cleft.  Even though he'll still need surgery, speech care (most likely to ensure he doesn't have a nasal sound) and orthodontics, I believe the one side only would be considered a milder form of a cleft.  Our baby didn't really co-operate with the ultrasound technician, but she definitely confirmed that he is in fact a boy.  Brodie is going to love having a little brother to play with his car collection with him (Brodie is so mad about cars that he now insists that he takes his cars into the bath with him).

I've been praying that our baby's cleft wouldn't be as severe as our first diagonsis.  I'm so relieved that my prayers and hopes provided a milder form of a cleft.  Thank you so much, God.

It was so great to hear good news (almost forgotten what it felt like to hear good news).

Letter to Bailey - Brodie's 2nd Birthday Photo

Dear sweet Bailey,

Just wanted to share with you a photo of Brodie celebrating his 2nd Birthday.  He's cute, don't you think?  I wish with all my heart that you could have been included in this photo, too, just like you should have been.

Miss you beautiful baby.

Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxx

Holding my first newborn in ages

I held a newborn baby boy today, the first time since I lost Bailey.  I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to hold one so little.  It was wonderful to hold a brand new baby, sleeping, content and absolutely perfect.  He is beautiful.  I was thinking about Bailey and how tiny he was compared to a full-term baby (he would be nearly 5 months old now if he was born on his due date), and how my new little one will be just as warm, cuddly and content.  Brodie and I bought little Charlie a couple of jumpsuits, and Brodie knew that they were for a baby - he was so cute in showing my mum what we had bought for Charlie.

I was trying to imagine the baby with a cleft as mine will have a hole in his face.  Will people think my baby isn't perfect?  Will I be able to cope with the stares of strangers until my little one has his operation?  I'm really grateful for this chance to have another baby, but I can't help but think sometimes, why?  Not only did I lose a precious son, but everything else in my life has been so hard, so why does my son need to go through additional hardship, too?  Why does my son have to go through years of operations to achieve what all of us take for granted?

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad today, maybe everything will be okay tomorrow, and I won't question things again, and I'll just be happy for my little one, and I'll know things will turn out okay.

Upsetting Family Member

Someone at Christmas asked how many children I was planning on having.  I told her just two live children (Brodie and my new little one) as it had always been my intention to have two.  She said that is good as I shouldn't try for anymore.  Not sure if someone else should verbalise their opinion on how many children someone should have.  It kind of makes me angry that someone should feel the need to remind me once again the problems I have in bringing children into this world. 

Reality is, is that this baby will be my third child, and I love all my children.  If I wanted to have more children, isn't that really up to me and my husband, and no-one else?  I don't know why, but this woman always has the most crappiest opinions and comments that are really of no business to her.  Unfortunately she is my sister-in-law so I'm kind of stuck with listening to this sort of rubbish. 

Gosh the first day I met her, she asked if we were on our first date (does she really think my now husband would have taken me to meet her on our first date), then as we had used my car to visit, she asked who's car it was and when I told her it was mine, she said you can't drive though, and I asked her where she got that idea from, it's because I catch the train into the city to work (I'm not financially set up to pay for parking in the city everyday).  At the birth of Brodie she asked how is her son related to Brodie (of course, cousins, and 2 years on she still can't spell Brodie's name correctly).  So, it does go on and on, so at the end I shouldn't let her opinions/comments get to me, but once my decisions for my children is involved, it just really hurts.  It hurts to hear that other's may have formed the opinion that I shouldn't have children.

Letter to Bailey

To Dear Bailey,

We missed you this Christmas.

The day was so full, that Brodie only managed to get about half an hour of sleep between visits to family.  We started off with giving Brodie his Christmas present, he didn't really know what to do with it, so we opened it for him.  He got a racing track for his hot wheels cars - your brother is turning into a car fanatic.  We then went to your Uncle and his girlfriend's place for breakfast.  Brodie ate two pancakes, which surprised us.  We then headed off to your grandparents for lunch.  Your other Uncle was there, and Brodie was so spoilt (his new nick name for his Uncle is "horsey").  Then it was off to another Uncle and Aunty's house for more food and presents.  We had a good day, but maybe a bit too busy.  Everyone would have spoilt you, too, being it would have been your first Christmas.  I miss you so much.

We received a gift voucher at a Lavendar Farm in Lyndoch, near where your ashes are.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable with your ashes being there now.  It's such a lovely country town, and I know you would have been okay with your ashes being there, too.

Everyone was excited for us to be expecting your little brother.  My belly is large now, and everyone who didn't know before know now, and are really happy for us.  For me, it was just easiest for people to notice my pregnancy, than actually tell them about it. 

Your little brother is moving lots, and I'm now just starting to really enjoy this pregnancy.  It's so reassuring to feel his movements.  I'm so looking forward to your brother's arrival.

Bailey, I just wanted to let you know that I love you as much as when I first found out about you.  I miss you little one.  I hope you're having a wonderful time in Heaven.

Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxxxx

Appointments with Plastic Surgeon and Speech Pathologist

I've now met our baby's plastic surgeon and speech pathologist.  Both appointments made me feel positive about the life my baby will have.  There will be quite a few operations, lots of orthodontic work and our baby's speech will be monitored yearly and if needed more surgery to help with any speech impediments.  I guess in a way I now know what's ahead and it's not as daunting as I first thought (considering I have a fear of doctors and hospitals myself). 

The speech pathologist asked a teenager who is at the end of her journey with the operations, orthodontic work and speech check ups, what she would say to a parent who's unborn baby has just been diagonsed with a cleft lip and palate and she said "don't worry, everything works out in the end, and I think my scar looks cool".  The speech pathologist said the first year of my baby's life will be the hardest with lots of medical appointments, then they'll slowly drop off, then once the permanent teeth come through, then it's off to lots of appointments again. 

I have another scan on 8 January to check on baby's cleft and hopefully we'll get to see a clearer picture of how much of a cleft it is.  I showed the speech pathologist the pictures I have, and she's reasonably sure that the palate is involved.  It does look like to me that one side is complete but maybe the other side is incomplete.  I guess no point in guessing and we most likely won't know until baby is here anyway.