Eek, This Is Just Too Hard

Today my Dad and I visited a cemetery to find a perfect resting place for my Mum.

I also want one for Bailey, and thought this would be a great opportunity to organise something for him too.  We scattered Bailey's ashes, so the problem is, I don't have them.  They offered an alternative and that is to place extra writing on Mum's to include Bailey's date too.  Still thinking on this. 

We are still undecided as to where we will place Mum, so for now, she's here with me.  I'm sure that doesn't bother her one bit as we were so close.

Eek, I'm grieving all over again.  It's really hard again.  It's bringing back emotions I haven't felt in a while.  I don't like it.  I think I'm starting grieving for Bailey again too.  It was hard the first time, but it feels like a double dose of grieving.

People are non existent again.  Death really drives people away from you, and I'm bloody sick of it.  Just when you need people the most, that's when they aren't around.  If I hear anyone else say that they wanted to give me space, well I can tell you, THAT DOESN'T WORK.  More space, more time to think about things, more time I find out THAT I DON'T WANT AND NEED YOU!!!!

My best friend is the best.  I told her I appreciated all the messages, even when I didn't reply, she never let me down.  One message of support is all it takes, just to let someone know that you are thinking of them, nothing else required.  I don't need to sit for hours talking, I won't get in your way, but a few little messages here and there makes everything that much easier, to even know someone cares enough to send a quick 10 second text.

SO, GIVING ME SPACE HASN'T HELPED, JUST MADE ME REALISE YOU DON'T CARE EVEN WHEN I ALREADY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CASE.

This is especially true for my in-laws when I need family the most - YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY YOUR ACTIONS HAVE PROVED THIS.  I'VE LOST MY MUM!!!!

Okay, anger grief has set in. I hope it eases soon.