The Secret Garden Meeting - July

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I see Bailey in Heaven with his two aunties (both born sleeping) and beautiful great-nanna looking out for him. I see him happy and healthy and playing with all the other children in Heaven. I don’t see him as a newborn, but a child with blonde hair and blue eyes, tall and gorgeous.

Bailey was due on 11 August 2009, so I still feel him here with me, even though I have to come to terms with the fact that he’s not. I imagine Bailey playing with Brodie in the park, going to school together, being best friends and having arguments and fights.

I also imagine him growing up – what he may have looked like as a teenager and then as a man.

I think about how my life would have been – so busy with two little ones running around the house, and what a fantastic big brother Brodie would have been.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

It’s been 4 months since I lost Bailey. At the moment all I want is Bailey – I wish things were different and that he would have been born either a couple of weeks ago, or born in the next few days.

I haven’t decided whether to try for another baby or not. If I were to fall pregnant, I’d be so happy, but frightened that I may lose another one again. At the time I was losing Bailey, I told Will that I couldn’t ever go through anything like this again. Not all pregnancies end in loss, and I did have a healthy full-term baby, so there’s no reason to think that I can’t again.

I’m being asked by people whether I’m pregnant or trying again or expecting me to do so –I would prefer they ask how I am rather than find out or speculate if I’m pregnant.