I'm feeling tired. I'm tired of being stuck in this baby lost life. I want to be like other family and friends, where they haven't lost a baby, haven't felt the endless loss, endless wanting, endless longing for a baby who isn't here.
I'm tired of the judgements of people who haven't been in my situation. It still hurts. Do I just leave those people behind in my life and move forward somewhere else?
I did blame God, but I can't do that because he accepted my son in Heaven, raising him there. I do wish things were different and that he could have stayed here instead.
I know I need to forgive people who I thought would be there for me, but weren't. I know they didn't know how to respond or know what to say. But, how did Kyle fall into this category too. Why did hardly anyone want to celebrate his birth with me, why did people want to hold him after his surgery, and barely looked at him before? It hurts like hell. He was beautiful even with his cleft.
Just random thinking, but some days are harder than others.
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p.s. I think I did a very similar post like this around this time last year. It feels like I've written it before.
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