I've had my first dream of Bailey. It wasn't comforting, in fact it was a bit scary.
In my dream I was going through his memory box and came across his hand and foot prints. As I was looking at the prints, his hand prints were slowly fading until they were gone. I woke up then.
Not sure what it means, but why dream of losing his hand prints when that is just one of the few items I have to treasure.
His hand print reminds me though of how sick he was. The nurses couldn't open up his hands to get proper hand prints as they were completely clenched.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
I hate that question???
Why can't I say that I have 3 children? Why doesn't the number 3 pop right out? Why after saying 2, do I instantly right at that very moment of saying 2, do I instantly want to kick myself for not saying 3? Why is the question of how many children I have, hurt me so much?
Every time I feel like I'm not being truthful to my Bailey. It's way too hard. I love him just as much, yet why can't I say it out loud?
Brodie wanted to hold one of Bailey's teddies a couple of days ago. I told him he could as long as he was careful with it. He held it, cuddled it, kissed it and returned it back on top of Bailey's memory box. He's only 3, but I think he is starting to know that the photo of Bailey is precious as well as the things I have around his memory box.
Every time I feel like I'm not being truthful to my Bailey. It's way too hard. I love him just as much, yet why can't I say it out loud?
Brodie wanted to hold one of Bailey's teddies a couple of days ago. I told him he could as long as he was careful with it. He held it, cuddled it, kissed it and returned it back on top of Bailey's memory box. He's only 3, but I think he is starting to know that the photo of Bailey is precious as well as the things I have around his memory box.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Letter to Bailey
To sweet beautiful Bailey,
I miss you so much. The missing of you doesn't seem to get easier in time. Your baby brother has helped me heal so much though.
I'm starting to live my life again after putting my life on hold after I lost you. Even when I was pregnant with Kyle, I just didn't have the get up and go I should have had. I missed you so painfully. When I think back to last year, I can't believe how I couldn't even live my life for Brodie, he missed out on so much, but now I want to share life with him again. We will have Christmas this year, when last Christmas I didn't even bother putting up the tree or decorations, Brodie didn't see Father Christmas - I just didn't want Christmas without you. Brodie saw a Christmas tree in the shops a couple of days ago and asked me what it was, I felt so ashamed that he didn't know. This year will be different, we may even buy a new Christmas tree. I wish you were here, but I know you know what is happening here, and I know that you would want your brothers to celebrate Christmas and all that life has to offer.
I was also thinking of taking your brothers to the Zoo soon. Last time I took Brodie, you were happily lazing about in my womb, and I was dreaming of taking the both of you once you were born. My dream isn't going to come true now.
I love you sweet baby. Will miss you forever.
Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxxx
I miss you so much. The missing of you doesn't seem to get easier in time. Your baby brother has helped me heal so much though.
I'm starting to live my life again after putting my life on hold after I lost you. Even when I was pregnant with Kyle, I just didn't have the get up and go I should have had. I missed you so painfully. When I think back to last year, I can't believe how I couldn't even live my life for Brodie, he missed out on so much, but now I want to share life with him again. We will have Christmas this year, when last Christmas I didn't even bother putting up the tree or decorations, Brodie didn't see Father Christmas - I just didn't want Christmas without you. Brodie saw a Christmas tree in the shops a couple of days ago and asked me what it was, I felt so ashamed that he didn't know. This year will be different, we may even buy a new Christmas tree. I wish you were here, but I know you know what is happening here, and I know that you would want your brothers to celebrate Christmas and all that life has to offer.
I was also thinking of taking your brothers to the Zoo soon. Last time I took Brodie, you were happily lazing about in my womb, and I was dreaming of taking the both of you once you were born. My dream isn't going to come true now.
I love you sweet baby. Will miss you forever.
Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxxx
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My Pop
Today my grandfather died. We knew it was coming as he had advanced alzheimers and had refused food yesterday. We didn't think he would die so quickly. He had only been transferred to a new aged care facility that have better facilities to take care of him about a week ago. Not sure how I feel yet as I'm probably still feeling a bit shocked.
My mum and I were discussing what we will do with his ashes. When my Pop was capable, he always said he wanted his ashes scattered, but not in a lake, river or ocean.
We had Bailey's ashes scattered in the Barossa Valley. I still feel uneasy with the idea of Bailey being on his own out there (didn't think or couldn't think at the time of how I would feel about scattering his ashes).
My Pop didn't remember us. He didn't know who we were as far back as 3 years ago when we introduced Brodie to him. He slowly forgot how to look after himself, forgot all the regular day routine, forgot his family bit by bit until he couldn't remember his sister. It's a sad disease where a family member is robbed of all his memory. We lost the Pop we knew a long time ago, but it's still so hard to hear the words "Pop died 10 minutes ago". My Pop who lived to 92, but was so happy when he made it to 89 and didn't know he lived passed that, in his mind he was always going to be 89.
"Love you, Pop. You have probably already met your beautiful great-grandson, Bailey. He is beautiful, my gorgeous second born son. He will hold your hand, and love you just like us. Miss you, Pop, I've missed you for a long time"
My mum and I were discussing what we will do with his ashes. When my Pop was capable, he always said he wanted his ashes scattered, but not in a lake, river or ocean.
We had Bailey's ashes scattered in the Barossa Valley. I still feel uneasy with the idea of Bailey being on his own out there (didn't think or couldn't think at the time of how I would feel about scattering his ashes).
My Pop didn't remember us. He didn't know who we were as far back as 3 years ago when we introduced Brodie to him. He slowly forgot how to look after himself, forgot all the regular day routine, forgot his family bit by bit until he couldn't remember his sister. It's a sad disease where a family member is robbed of all his memory. We lost the Pop we knew a long time ago, but it's still so hard to hear the words "Pop died 10 minutes ago". My Pop who lived to 92, but was so happy when he made it to 89 and didn't know he lived passed that, in his mind he was always going to be 89.
"Love you, Pop. You have probably already met your beautiful great-grandson, Bailey. He is beautiful, my gorgeous second born son. He will hold your hand, and love you just like us. Miss you, Pop, I've missed you for a long time"
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Bailey's First Birthday (due date)
Bailey's first birthday passed (if he had have been born on his due date) in August. He would be 1 now. Gosh, I still don't get why these things have to happen, why some of us have to lose a much wanted baby. I wish I could hold him again, I wish I didn't lose him, I wish I was celebrating his birthday with him.
Life is busy for us. Brodie is nearly 3, Kyle is 5 months and I don't have any time to myself, but I love my boys and wouldn't have my busy life any other way. I love their cuddles, their laughs, I love Brodie saying "love you" for the first time without me saying it first, I love that Kyle is trying to sit up already, but I still miss my boy that isn't with us who I can't share all the things of our world with him.
"Dear Bailey,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle love you so much. We wish you were here. We will never forget you, we will always remember you. It's not easy for Mummy to always bring up your name in conversation, but you are always in Mummy's thoughts.
Hoping you are having lots of fun with your friends in Heaven.
Lots of love always,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle
xxxxx"
Life is busy for us. Brodie is nearly 3, Kyle is 5 months and I don't have any time to myself, but I love my boys and wouldn't have my busy life any other way. I love their cuddles, their laughs, I love Brodie saying "love you" for the first time without me saying it first, I love that Kyle is trying to sit up already, but I still miss my boy that isn't with us who I can't share all the things of our world with him.
"Dear Bailey,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle love you so much. We wish you were here. We will never forget you, we will always remember you. It's not easy for Mummy to always bring up your name in conversation, but you are always in Mummy's thoughts.
Hoping you are having lots of fun with your friends in Heaven.
Lots of love always,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle
xxxxx"
Monday, August 16, 2010
When Kyle is Bailey!!!
Yesterday we took Kyle to church for the first time since his lip repair surgery. Everyone who saw Kyle before the surgery, thought his lip is looking fantastic, which is to be expected because I think he is the most gorgeous baby around (and I thought this before the surgery anyway, once your baby is in your arms - nothing else is more beautiful).
A friend came up to me and said "his name is Bailey, isn't it?". My heart skipped a beat and it seemed an eternity before I could answer her. I said "Bailey is the name of the son we lost, this is Kyle". I wasn't prepared for anyone to call Kyle 'Bailey' and it was a huge shock. She then remembered that Kyle's middle name is Bailey, and was able to cover up her embarassement with that.
I read other blogs and read of mum's being able to talk openly about their lost babies, but I'm finding it harder as time goes by, and it hurts so much to now talk about Bailey. I'm not trying to forget him (he is always in my thoughts every day), it's just too hard for me emotionally to explain to people about what happened to my middle son. I wish things were easier.
Here are my gorgeous little firemen.
A friend came up to me and said "his name is Bailey, isn't it?". My heart skipped a beat and it seemed an eternity before I could answer her. I said "Bailey is the name of the son we lost, this is Kyle". I wasn't prepared for anyone to call Kyle 'Bailey' and it was a huge shock. She then remembered that Kyle's middle name is Bailey, and was able to cover up her embarassement with that.
I read other blogs and read of mum's being able to talk openly about their lost babies, but I'm finding it harder as time goes by, and it hurts so much to now talk about Bailey. I'm not trying to forget him (he is always in my thoughts every day), it's just too hard for me emotionally to explain to people about what happened to my middle son. I wish things were easier.
Here are my gorgeous little firemen.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Lip Repair Surgery
Kyle's lip repair surgery was a huge success, and here is the result (3 days after).
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Kyle - Lip Repair Surgery
Kyle's lip repair surgery has been booked for 6 July. I'm nervous about my little one going into hospital for surgery, but I was told by the plastic surgeon that the surgery often only takes about 1 hour or less, so at least I'm not waiting for hours before I can see my baby again.
Kyle's grown so much, and smiles and gurgles a lot. Brodie has adjusted to life with his new little brother, and shows him a lot of love. Gosh, they are so cute together.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Bailey - My Beautiful Son
I've been thinking that I'm so proud of my beautiful Bailey, that I should share a photo of him. So now my blog includes a photo of my gorgeous boy.
I wasn't sure if I should share the coloured photo or black and white, so for now, I'm displaying the black and white photo.
I proudly display his coloured photo in our family room and he is so beautiful. His photo will always be on display in our home, and his brother's will grow up knowing about their little / big brother up in Heaven.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Bailey and miss him deeply. "Love you so much, Bailey".
I wasn't sure if I should share the coloured photo or black and white, so for now, I'm displaying the black and white photo.
I proudly display his coloured photo in our family room and he is so beautiful. His photo will always be on display in our home, and his brother's will grow up knowing about their little / big brother up in Heaven.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Bailey and miss him deeply. "Love you so much, Bailey".
Monday, May 3, 2010
My Boys
It's been busy. Kyle has been attending lots of appointments with a range of specialists regarding his cleft. The Speech Pathologist and Ears, Nose and Throat specialist don't need to see Kyle again as his cleft lip will not affect the way he speaks or hear.
The main surgery will be the repair of Kyle's lip. His gum and orthodontic work will occur when his permanent teeth come through, and touch up work to his lip if and when necessary.
We certainly haven't forgotten Bailey with the birth of our new baby. I still think about Bailey everyday, he's always in my prayers. Daily I ask God to give Bailey a kiss for me - I miss him so much. I now wonder if he would have looked liked Brodie growing up, as Kyle is the splitting image of his big brother when he was a newborn. I also wonder if he would have inherited the golden blonde hair, too.
We have three boys now. I never thought that I would have three boys, I never actually thought we would be a producer of boys especially since I'm such a girl. Our family is complete now, so there will be no little girls in our household. In some ways, I'm so happy that I have boys that can grow up with each other and hopefully be best friends.
The main surgery will be the repair of Kyle's lip. His gum and orthodontic work will occur when his permanent teeth come through, and touch up work to his lip if and when necessary.
We certainly haven't forgotten Bailey with the birth of our new baby. I still think about Bailey everyday, he's always in my prayers. Daily I ask God to give Bailey a kiss for me - I miss him so much. I now wonder if he would have looked liked Brodie growing up, as Kyle is the splitting image of his big brother when he was a newborn. I also wonder if he would have inherited the golden blonde hair, too.
We have three boys now. I never thought that I would have three boys, I never actually thought we would be a producer of boys especially since I'm such a girl. Our family is complete now, so there will be no little girls in our household. In some ways, I'm so happy that I have boys that can grow up with each other and hopefully be best friends.
My Gorgeous Boys
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My Easter Baby
Introducing our latest addition to our family "KYLE BAILEY".
Kyle was born on Saturday, 3 April at 3.40pm, weighing 3.26kgs and 47.5cms long.
As mentioned in earlier posts, Kyle was diagnosed with a unilateral cleft lip and palate. I'm happy to report that yes, Kyle does have a cleft lip, but his palate is all intact without a cleft.
We are so happy with our new addition, and believe that Bailey has been watching out for and taking care of his little brother. God has answered all our prayers for our little boy.
Kyle was born on Saturday, 3 April at 3.40pm, weighing 3.26kgs and 47.5cms long.
As mentioned in earlier posts, Kyle was diagnosed with a unilateral cleft lip and palate. I'm happy to report that yes, Kyle does have a cleft lip, but his palate is all intact without a cleft.
We are so happy with our new addition, and believe that Bailey has been watching out for and taking care of his little brother. God has answered all our prayers for our little boy.
Kyle Bailey (our little miracle)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
To Bailey on your 1st Birthday
To our beautiful Bailey on your first birthday.
We can't put into words how much we miss you, how much we wanted you and how much you are loved.
Today, Brodie and I went to the shops and bought you a cake to celebrate our love for you. We made a donation in your name, and bought two teddies that we have donated in your memory.
We wish so much that we were celebrating your first birthday with you.
We hope you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all your angel friends.
I imagine you as a gorgeous blonde and blue eyed 1 year old, with a gigantic smile and a heart full of love and happiness.
Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and your new little brother
xxxx
We can't put into words how much we miss you, how much we wanted you and how much you are loved.
Today, Brodie and I went to the shops and bought you a cake to celebrate our love for you. We made a donation in your name, and bought two teddies that we have donated in your memory.
We wish so much that we were celebrating your first birthday with you.
We hope you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all your angel friends.
I imagine you as a gorgeous blonde and blue eyed 1 year old, with a gigantic smile and a heart full of love and happiness.
Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and your new little brother
xxxx
Friday, March 19, 2010
19 March 2009
On 19 March 2009, we found out our little boy wasn't going to make it.
It was our 19 week scan, and the news we received was the worst news we could possibly have been told. Our precious baby boy was very sick.
I hate that day, I hate having being told our baby had a lot of problems, I hate that ultrasound room, I hate having had to wait at my OB's rooms full of happy pregnant women while waiting to be told "your baby isn't viable", I hate that my OB said he would pass me onto a specialist to care for us while he went overseas, I hate the fact that I did everything I could not to cry when I walked back into the waiting room, I hate the car ride home afterwards, and telling my mum about her grandson while she was sick in hospital.
This day last year was the worst day of my life and the day my dreams for my baby were crushed.
It was our 19 week scan, and the news we received was the worst news we could possibly have been told. Our precious baby boy was very sick.
I hate that day, I hate having being told our baby had a lot of problems, I hate that ultrasound room, I hate having had to wait at my OB's rooms full of happy pregnant women while waiting to be told "your baby isn't viable", I hate that my OB said he would pass me onto a specialist to care for us while he went overseas, I hate the fact that I did everything I could not to cry when I walked back into the waiting room, I hate the car ride home afterwards, and telling my mum about her grandson while she was sick in hospital.
This day last year was the worst day of my life and the day my dreams for my baby were crushed.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Letter to Bailey - Miss You So Much
Dear Bailey,
Missing you lots. Can't believe your birthday is coming up, and that your little brother will be here soon.
Thinking of you everyday. I don't always know what to say to you, but I want you to know how much you are missed, how much I love you, how much I wish I could change everything for you.
Love you so much.
Mummy
xxxxxxxxxx
Missing you lots. Can't believe your birthday is coming up, and that your little brother will be here soon.
Thinking of you everyday. I don't always know what to say to you, but I want you to know how much you are missed, how much I love you, how much I wish I could change everything for you.
Love you so much.
Mummy
xxxxxxxxxx
Thursday, February 25, 2010
March - Bailey's Upcoming Angel Anniversary
Today is our 4th wedding anniversary. Next month is Will's birthday, my birthday and Bailey's birthday. I lost Bailey just 3 days after my birthday last year. It seems incredible that it's been nearly a whole year since I said goodbye to my little boy. A goodbye I wish I never had to make "I love you sweetheart". So far, I think I'm okay with Bailey's upcoming angel anniversary. Not sure what we will do on his day, but I'll try to make it a very special day.
Today I also had a blood test to check whether I have developed cholestasis. I get the results sometime next week. Even though I'm probably okay, I've been starting to get tingles and minor itching, so thought I'd get it checked out now, rather than wait for anything else to develop.
I start leave next week. I'm just too tired to continue on any longer, as well as having a full on toddler wanting a lot of attention when I get home - it's just too exhausting.
Our nursery still isn't ready for our new bub. Not sure if it's because I just wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay with this baby first, or because our garage is full of Will's parents stuff and I still have no room for our stuff. Once I start leave I'm hoping to start organising it. I have lots of special feeding equipment now for bub. Still very nervous about feeding baby, but since lots of other people have managed before me, I'm sure we'll work it out in the end.
Today I also had a blood test to check whether I have developed cholestasis. I get the results sometime next week. Even though I'm probably okay, I've been starting to get tingles and minor itching, so thought I'd get it checked out now, rather than wait for anything else to develop.
I start leave next week. I'm just too tired to continue on any longer, as well as having a full on toddler wanting a lot of attention when I get home - it's just too exhausting.
Our nursery still isn't ready for our new bub. Not sure if it's because I just wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay with this baby first, or because our garage is full of Will's parents stuff and I still have no room for our stuff. Once I start leave I'm hoping to start organising it. I have lots of special feeding equipment now for bub. Still very nervous about feeding baby, but since lots of other people have managed before me, I'm sure we'll work it out in the end.
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