I know I can't force this. Just have to remember one day at a time.
Days will be good, days will be bad. Happy days, angry days. Family will just have to follow the grief.
I've been here before. I survived it. I can do my best to do it again. One step at a time. I can do this. Remember to breathe. Don't force things to be better, don't pretend, take each emotion as it comes.
Must remember to breathe - take time for adjustment, ignore the people who annoy the life out of me. Breathe. Mum and Bailey will soon be proud of me - I will survive, one day.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mother's Day
So, I have no words of how my Mother's Day went.
I felt unappreciated and it felt like just another day, nothing special, I'm not special - what's the point of it. I don't have a mum I can spoil, I wasn't spoilt as a mum, but had to endure everyone else's love in. It was just a rotten day.
I went to Dad's to help him clean his home as he has an inspection tomorrow. I broke down in Mum's room. Dad understood how I felt, but Mum always knew when things were wrong and always spoke up for me. That is gone. No-one on my side who actually does something, says something to make me feel better.
I miss her so much, it's so unbearable. I can't control anything in life. I can't keep my loved ones alive. I lost one of my sons and now my Mum. It's so hard. I wake up in the morning and think, 'oh no, I'm still here'. Last time I thought that I had just lost Bailey, and I know it's selfish to think like that with Brodie and Kyle here. I just can't help it right now.
I think I've lost so much more than a Mum. I'm so upset that she left me. I just needed her to be stronger, just a bit for a bit longer. If only I could have fixed what was wrong, made her happy, kept her safe. "Why did you leave me, Mum?"
I felt unappreciated and it felt like just another day, nothing special, I'm not special - what's the point of it. I don't have a mum I can spoil, I wasn't spoilt as a mum, but had to endure everyone else's love in. It was just a rotten day.
I went to Dad's to help him clean his home as he has an inspection tomorrow. I broke down in Mum's room. Dad understood how I felt, but Mum always knew when things were wrong and always spoke up for me. That is gone. No-one on my side who actually does something, says something to make me feel better.
I miss her so much, it's so unbearable. I can't control anything in life. I can't keep my loved ones alive. I lost one of my sons and now my Mum. It's so hard. I wake up in the morning and think, 'oh no, I'm still here'. Last time I thought that I had just lost Bailey, and I know it's selfish to think like that with Brodie and Kyle here. I just can't help it right now.
I think I've lost so much more than a Mum. I'm so upset that she left me. I just needed her to be stronger, just a bit for a bit longer. If only I could have fixed what was wrong, made her happy, kept her safe. "Why did you leave me, Mum?"
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Mum's New Resting Place
We have found Mum's new resting place. After completing the paperwork and paying for the site, it will then take up to 8 weeks before Mum can go in there.
So wish this wasn't real.
I now have a cold, and miss Mum's phone calls ever so much. I'm sick and sad :(
So wish this wasn't real.
I now have a cold, and miss Mum's phone calls ever so much. I'm sick and sad :(
Sunday, May 3, 2015
I Miss You, Mum
I miss you so much, Mum.
Don't ever worry about anyone taking your place, that's not possible.
I miss our chats so much. I miss going to the shops and stopping for lunch. I miss your voice.
We are looking after Dad, and we think we've found a resting place for you now. Dad is happy with it. Dad misses you so much, even though you both fought like crazy. He misses not having you around and honestly thought he would go before you.
My in-laws were shocked to hear that you're not in your resting place yet, and that I've got you here at home with me. She actually pulled a face as if what I'm doing is yucky. As you know, I don't take making decisions lightly and would never place you in the first spot available. Plus I like having you here at the moment. It's comforting to know you are in reach and I know you would like being around. We love you that much, Mum, that we are doing things at our own pace to make things perfect for you. Stuff what anyone else thinks.
Plus, after losing our Bailey and now you, death doesn't scare me like a lot of other people.
Love you, Mum xxxx
p.s. I dreamt about Aunty Rhonda last night. I couldn't work out what she was trying to say to me. She might have to visit me again.
It feels like my mind is going crazy. I'm thinking of everything over and over. I should have realised you were that sick earlier, maybe I should have pushed the doctors more, why or why didn't anyone help us. You passed over right before my eyes and I couldn't stop it - eek, my mind is going crazy. Then I feel angry that you left me. Why did you leave me? I was going to make you happy and spend lots of time with you, and once Kyle starts school next term, I would have even more time to spend with you, but now I can't because you are gone. Love you, Mum, and I'm sorry that sometimes I do feel angry xxx
Don't ever worry about anyone taking your place, that's not possible.
I miss our chats so much. I miss going to the shops and stopping for lunch. I miss your voice.
We are looking after Dad, and we think we've found a resting place for you now. Dad is happy with it. Dad misses you so much, even though you both fought like crazy. He misses not having you around and honestly thought he would go before you.
My in-laws were shocked to hear that you're not in your resting place yet, and that I've got you here at home with me. She actually pulled a face as if what I'm doing is yucky. As you know, I don't take making decisions lightly and would never place you in the first spot available. Plus I like having you here at the moment. It's comforting to know you are in reach and I know you would like being around. We love you that much, Mum, that we are doing things at our own pace to make things perfect for you. Stuff what anyone else thinks.
Plus, after losing our Bailey and now you, death doesn't scare me like a lot of other people.
Love you, Mum xxxx
p.s. I dreamt about Aunty Rhonda last night. I couldn't work out what she was trying to say to me. She might have to visit me again.
It feels like my mind is going crazy. I'm thinking of everything over and over. I should have realised you were that sick earlier, maybe I should have pushed the doctors more, why or why didn't anyone help us. You passed over right before my eyes and I couldn't stop it - eek, my mind is going crazy. Then I feel angry that you left me. Why did you leave me? I was going to make you happy and spend lots of time with you, and once Kyle starts school next term, I would have even more time to spend with you, but now I can't because you are gone. Love you, Mum, and I'm sorry that sometimes I do feel angry xxx
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Eek, This Is Just Too Hard
Today my Dad and I visited a cemetery to find a perfect resting place for my Mum.
I also want one for Bailey, and thought this would be a great opportunity to organise something for him too. We scattered Bailey's ashes, so the problem is, I don't have them. They offered an alternative and that is to place extra writing on Mum's to include Bailey's date too. Still thinking on this.
We are still undecided as to where we will place Mum, so for now, she's here with me. I'm sure that doesn't bother her one bit as we were so close.
Eek, I'm grieving all over again. It's really hard again. It's bringing back emotions I haven't felt in a while. I don't like it. I think I'm starting grieving for Bailey again too. It was hard the first time, but it feels like a double dose of grieving.
People are non existent again. Death really drives people away from you, and I'm bloody sick of it. Just when you need people the most, that's when they aren't around. If I hear anyone else say that they wanted to give me space, well I can tell you, THAT DOESN'T WORK. More space, more time to think about things, more time I find out THAT I DON'T WANT AND NEED YOU!!!!
My best friend is the best. I told her I appreciated all the messages, even when I didn't reply, she never let me down. One message of support is all it takes, just to let someone know that you are thinking of them, nothing else required. I don't need to sit for hours talking, I won't get in your way, but a few little messages here and there makes everything that much easier, to even know someone cares enough to send a quick 10 second text.
SO, GIVING ME SPACE HASN'T HELPED, JUST MADE ME REALISE YOU DON'T CARE EVEN WHEN I ALREADY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CASE.
This is especially true for my in-laws when I need family the most - YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY YOUR ACTIONS HAVE PROVED THIS. I'VE LOST MY MUM!!!!
Okay, anger grief has set in. I hope it eases soon.
I also want one for Bailey, and thought this would be a great opportunity to organise something for him too. We scattered Bailey's ashes, so the problem is, I don't have them. They offered an alternative and that is to place extra writing on Mum's to include Bailey's date too. Still thinking on this.
We are still undecided as to where we will place Mum, so for now, she's here with me. I'm sure that doesn't bother her one bit as we were so close.
Eek, I'm grieving all over again. It's really hard again. It's bringing back emotions I haven't felt in a while. I don't like it. I think I'm starting grieving for Bailey again too. It was hard the first time, but it feels like a double dose of grieving.
People are non existent again. Death really drives people away from you, and I'm bloody sick of it. Just when you need people the most, that's when they aren't around. If I hear anyone else say that they wanted to give me space, well I can tell you, THAT DOESN'T WORK. More space, more time to think about things, more time I find out THAT I DON'T WANT AND NEED YOU!!!!
My best friend is the best. I told her I appreciated all the messages, even when I didn't reply, she never let me down. One message of support is all it takes, just to let someone know that you are thinking of them, nothing else required. I don't need to sit for hours talking, I won't get in your way, but a few little messages here and there makes everything that much easier, to even know someone cares enough to send a quick 10 second text.
SO, GIVING ME SPACE HASN'T HELPED, JUST MADE ME REALISE YOU DON'T CARE EVEN WHEN I ALREADY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CASE.
This is especially true for my in-laws when I need family the most - YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY YOUR ACTIONS HAVE PROVED THIS. I'VE LOST MY MUM!!!!
Okay, anger grief has set in. I hope it eases soon.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
My Mum
My Mum passed away on Thursday, 9 April 2015. I'm devastated. She had been sick for a little while, but always managed to pull through, so this was totally unexpected.
I'm incredibly sad. Mum was my best friend. We talked on the phone nearly every day, I'd see her a few times a week, we shopped together almost every week. I've lost a lot when Mum died. I lost my friend, my adviser, my sympathiser, the person who was always, always on my side.
I held her head while she died, she was looking straight at me and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't save her. I panicked and told her to hang on, if only she could pull through then I'd keep her safe. God needed Mum more than me, and He did give us a second chance together.
Even though I watched her die, I saw her in her coffin at her funeral, and I can't just pick up the phone and talk to her, I still can't believe she's gone.
I wrote her eulogy, created her DVD of her photos for the funeral, but I've been on auto mode the whole time. Numb to any feeling.
My last act is to pick up her ashes from the funeral home, and I don't want to do it. I've been telling Will that we need to pick up Mum and in some ways, just saying Mum without the ashes, gives me comfort. I know that once I pick up her ashes, the whole reality of her dying will hit.
Mum is now with Bailey in Heaven. I'm going to place some of Mum's ashes where we scattered Bailey's. I feel so weak, so sad, so withdrawn. I have Brodie and Kyle depending on me to be their Mum, and I know Mum would want me to carry on for them. I just need to mourn first.
"I love you Mum so, so much and I'm so glad I got the chance to tell you how much I love you before you left. Love you forever, and to the moon and back xxxx"
I'm incredibly sad. Mum was my best friend. We talked on the phone nearly every day, I'd see her a few times a week, we shopped together almost every week. I've lost a lot when Mum died. I lost my friend, my adviser, my sympathiser, the person who was always, always on my side.
I held her head while she died, she was looking straight at me and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't save her. I panicked and told her to hang on, if only she could pull through then I'd keep her safe. God needed Mum more than me, and He did give us a second chance together.
Even though I watched her die, I saw her in her coffin at her funeral, and I can't just pick up the phone and talk to her, I still can't believe she's gone.
I wrote her eulogy, created her DVD of her photos for the funeral, but I've been on auto mode the whole time. Numb to any feeling.
My last act is to pick up her ashes from the funeral home, and I don't want to do it. I've been telling Will that we need to pick up Mum and in some ways, just saying Mum without the ashes, gives me comfort. I know that once I pick up her ashes, the whole reality of her dying will hit.
Mum is now with Bailey in Heaven. I'm going to place some of Mum's ashes where we scattered Bailey's. I feel so weak, so sad, so withdrawn. I have Brodie and Kyle depending on me to be their Mum, and I know Mum would want me to carry on for them. I just need to mourn first.
"I love you Mum so, so much and I'm so glad I got the chance to tell you how much I love you before you left. Love you forever, and to the moon and back xxxx"
Friday, November 7, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Our Update - 5 years 7 months since Bailey was born sleeping
Brodie has just turned 7, Kyle is 4 and Bailey is 5.
A lot of growing up has happened since my last post. Brodie is in Year 1 and Kyle is in pre-school and will be starting school mid next year.
Will and I have both lost a job, and found new employment. We now have a budgie and a cockatiel, a Siamese fighting fish, dabbled at keeping gold fish, but couldn't keep them alive for long. I have lost a LOT of family members, which is just the saddest. Finding that life just moves a long and we get swept into the roller coaster of it all.
One thing that has stayed constant is the love I have for Bailey (and all my children) every day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about him - ALWAYS. My love for him will always be. Brodie and Kyle also know Bailey and will just talk about him every now and then. Brodie says "there are 5 in our family, mum, dad, me, Kyle and Bailey".
My heart is in a better place and my grief doesn't feel as black as it used to be. I still think what I could have done differently, what decisions could have been made better, regret for the things that were decided (why didn't I keep his ashes, why didn't we have a proper funeral). My head was in such a haze, that decisions were made too promptly by two very sad and grief stricken parents.
I still collect photos for him, which I will place up here one day. For some reason I still worry for expecting parents. Not all pregnancies end with a happy bouncing baby afterwards. Not until I've heard of a safe delivery do I feel happy for them. Wish I didn't ever feel this way, but this is now the norm for me - no longer do I think everything will be as it should, but always what could go wrong.
In an earlier post I mentioned I didn't know what to do with people who I thought would be there for me but weren't in the early days after losing Bailey. Well, I can say I left them in my past. I didn't need friends who couldn't at least see if I was okay, so I dropped them all. Am I sad? No I'm not. I feel empowered to have done that. I need positivity, compassion, and love. People will come and go in your life, but try to keep the good ones :)
A lot of growing up has happened since my last post. Brodie is in Year 1 and Kyle is in pre-school and will be starting school mid next year.
Will and I have both lost a job, and found new employment. We now have a budgie and a cockatiel, a Siamese fighting fish, dabbled at keeping gold fish, but couldn't keep them alive for long. I have lost a LOT of family members, which is just the saddest. Finding that life just moves a long and we get swept into the roller coaster of it all.
One thing that has stayed constant is the love I have for Bailey (and all my children) every day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about him - ALWAYS. My love for him will always be. Brodie and Kyle also know Bailey and will just talk about him every now and then. Brodie says "there are 5 in our family, mum, dad, me, Kyle and Bailey".
My heart is in a better place and my grief doesn't feel as black as it used to be. I still think what I could have done differently, what decisions could have been made better, regret for the things that were decided (why didn't I keep his ashes, why didn't we have a proper funeral). My head was in such a haze, that decisions were made too promptly by two very sad and grief stricken parents.
I still collect photos for him, which I will place up here one day. For some reason I still worry for expecting parents. Not all pregnancies end with a happy bouncing baby afterwards. Not until I've heard of a safe delivery do I feel happy for them. Wish I didn't ever feel this way, but this is now the norm for me - no longer do I think everything will be as it should, but always what could go wrong.
In an earlier post I mentioned I didn't know what to do with people who I thought would be there for me but weren't in the early days after losing Bailey. Well, I can say I left them in my past. I didn't need friends who couldn't at least see if I was okay, so I dropped them all. Am I sad? No I'm not. I feel empowered to have done that. I need positivity, compassion, and love. People will come and go in your life, but try to keep the good ones :)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
2nd Heavenly Birthday
To my sweet baby Bailey,
Just wanted to wish you a very happy 2nd birthday. Wow, two years ago you were born, two years ago we lost you.
We will never forget you.
Brodie wanted to buy some wrapping paper today and as he knows it's your birthday, he wanted to wrap a birthday present for you.
Love you so much.
Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle
xxxxxxx
Just wanted to wish you a very happy 2nd birthday. Wow, two years ago you were born, two years ago we lost you.
We will never forget you.
Brodie wanted to buy some wrapping paper today and as he knows it's your birthday, he wanted to wrap a birthday present for you.
Love you so much.
Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle
xxxxxxx
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas, Bailey xxxxx
Merry Christmas, Bailey.
Love you so much sweet angel baby. Hope you had a gorgeous time with all your angel friends in heaven.
Today your little brother celebrated his first Christmas. I felt your presence all around him today. I love my 3 little boys.
Mummy still misses you and somehow I don't think that will ever change. I guess the missing will get easier but the love I have for you will never change or end.
Today your aunty gave us a Christmas bauble with your name on it. Wow, it was such a surprise and I got goosebumps and felt a rush of emotion, but it felt good to have your aunty acknowledge you and know how much such an item would help us this Christmas.
Love you lots and lots.
Mummy
xxxxx
Love you so much sweet angel baby. Hope you had a gorgeous time with all your angel friends in heaven.
Today your little brother celebrated his first Christmas. I felt your presence all around him today. I love my 3 little boys.
Mummy still misses you and somehow I don't think that will ever change. I guess the missing will get easier but the love I have for you will never change or end.
Today your aunty gave us a Christmas bauble with your name on it. Wow, it was such a surprise and I got goosebumps and felt a rush of emotion, but it felt good to have your aunty acknowledge you and know how much such an item would help us this Christmas.
Love you lots and lots.
Mummy
xxxxx
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
My Christmas Cards
I've written in my Christmas cards and decided to place a Christmas Tree with Bailey's name (from Carly) inside them. I'm sending them to my aunties and other relatives, so they all know about Bailey and how much I love him, so I'm hoping that they enjoy having a photo of his Christmas Tree.
I printed them at K-mart today and the photo sales girl (she was pretty young so I'm not saying lady or woman) said the photos were very cute. I've now run out of them, so will need to make another trip to K-mart to get some more (I'm sure my mum won't want to miss out). The Tree does look so beautiful printed - I was surprised to see how well they print.
I LOVE YOU, BAILEY, SO SO MUCH xxxxx
I printed them at K-mart today and the photo sales girl (she was pretty young so I'm not saying lady or woman) said the photos were very cute. I've now run out of them, so will need to make another trip to K-mart to get some more (I'm sure my mum won't want to miss out). The Tree does look so beautiful printed - I was surprised to see how well they print.
I LOVE YOU, BAILEY, SO SO MUCH xxxxx
Monday, December 6, 2010
Bailey and Christmas
Last year I didn't want Christmas. Didn't want a Christmas without one of my babies being here.
This year I want Christmas for my two boys here (I'm very excited), but I feel the missing part of my family so much. So, even though I think this Christmas is going to be very different for me, I'm aching a lot for Bailey. It is obviously the festive season which has made me yearn for him even more than the normal everday yearning I feel.
Not sure if I'm saying this all the right way, but there's something deep going on inside me, which is making me miss him so very much right now.
Today I bought two teddies to donate to other families who lose their precious babies. I buy teddies in Bailey's rememberence for Christmas and his angel anniversary's.
I also need to start organising my Christmas cards and get something together for remembering Bailey to place in them.
This year I want Christmas for my two boys here (I'm very excited), but I feel the missing part of my family so much. So, even though I think this Christmas is going to be very different for me, I'm aching a lot for Bailey. It is obviously the festive season which has made me yearn for him even more than the normal everday yearning I feel.
Not sure if I'm saying this all the right way, but there's something deep going on inside me, which is making me miss him so very much right now.
Today I bought two teddies to donate to other families who lose their precious babies. I buy teddies in Bailey's rememberence for Christmas and his angel anniversary's.
I also need to start organising my Christmas cards and get something together for remembering Bailey to place in them.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Some Days are Hard
I'm feeling tired. I'm tired of being stuck in this baby lost life. I want to be like other family and friends, where they haven't lost a baby, haven't felt the endless loss, endless wanting, endless longing for a baby who isn't here.
I'm tired of the judgements of people who haven't been in my situation. It still hurts. Do I just leave those people behind in my life and move forward somewhere else?
I did blame God, but I can't do that because he accepted my son in Heaven, raising him there. I do wish things were different and that he could have stayed here instead.
I know I need to forgive people who I thought would be there for me, but weren't. I know they didn't know how to respond or know what to say. But, how did Kyle fall into this category too. Why did hardly anyone want to celebrate his birth with me, why did people want to hold him after his surgery, and barely looked at him before? It hurts like hell. He was beautiful even with his cleft.
Just random thinking, but some days are harder than others.
I'm tired of the judgements of people who haven't been in my situation. It still hurts. Do I just leave those people behind in my life and move forward somewhere else?
I did blame God, but I can't do that because he accepted my son in Heaven, raising him there. I do wish things were different and that he could have stayed here instead.
I know I need to forgive people who I thought would be there for me, but weren't. I know they didn't know how to respond or know what to say. But, how did Kyle fall into this category too. Why did hardly anyone want to celebrate his birth with me, why did people want to hold him after his surgery, and barely looked at him before? It hurts like hell. He was beautiful even with his cleft.
Just random thinking, but some days are harder than others.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
My Aunty's Funeral
Today we attended my aunty's funeral. My aunty is the first of my dad's siblings to die. She was such an energetic, lively, bubbly, and happy lady. She is going to be missed a lot. She was always the one to keep the family together in some ways (I think my nanna was the one who made sure the family attended functions, etc. but she died when I was 15. She was 94, so she had a long life and lived 16 years after my grandfather died). She died of a stroke just like my nanna. When she had the stroke she said she would fight it, but it was too severe and she couldn't swallow anymore.
I saw cousins today that I hadn't seen in years, in fact I didn't even recognise some of them. My aunty had prepared for this day and wrote her own eulogy about a year ago. It was beautiful. She was able to say things that happened in her life that no-one else would know, or remember. It was strange to hear her call my dad "their baby brother", it wouldn't have been "baby brother" if someone else had written it.
The thing is when I'm now at a funeral, I think about them meeting my Bailey in Heaven. I hope so anyway. I wonder if he's there, too, waiting for them to arrive. Was he there to great her with her husband, daughter, her mum and dad? Would she even know who he is?
On the way home, my mum suggested that her ashes be scattered where Bailey's ashes are. I told her not to do that, as I regret so much that I did that. I have no where to go to visit him, and have that special time with him.
I saw cousins today that I hadn't seen in years, in fact I didn't even recognise some of them. My aunty had prepared for this day and wrote her own eulogy about a year ago. It was beautiful. She was able to say things that happened in her life that no-one else would know, or remember. It was strange to hear her call my dad "their baby brother", it wouldn't have been "baby brother" if someone else had written it.
The thing is when I'm now at a funeral, I think about them meeting my Bailey in Heaven. I hope so anyway. I wonder if he's there, too, waiting for them to arrive. Was he there to great her with her husband, daughter, her mum and dad? Would she even know who he is?
On the way home, my mum suggested that her ashes be scattered where Bailey's ashes are. I told her not to do that, as I regret so much that I did that. I have no where to go to visit him, and have that special time with him.
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