I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my third child. I'm excited, but so anxious and nervous about being pregnant again. I couldn't go through another stillbirth.
I decided on a new obstetrican, which turns out was the best thing I could have done. They are going to monitor me closely, and have already told me that due to complications with my liver when I was pregnant the first time, that it will happen again, and it happens earlier in subsequent pregnancies. This could mean that this baby could arrive around Bailey's angel birthday. I didn't know that I could have liver complications earlier when I was pregnant with Bailey, even though this condition didn't affect what happened to Bailey, but it could have if we got past the third trimester.
I have already had lots of blood tests, and my ultrasounds will be performed by doctors rather than technicians. I feel like I'm in the best hands possible, hands that will take care of me and my little one. I have my second ultrasound tomorrow. My first one at 9 weeks showed a tiny little round ball, waving it's little arms around (I believe my OB that little one was waving, even though I couldn't see it myself even when she pointed it out). It felt so re-assuring as Bailey never moved during his ultrasounds (alarms should have gone off as to why Bailey never moved, but I always thought he was sleeping - I know better now).
I cry sometimes, thinking about my loss of Bailey, and how much I wish he was here. I know this is a new baby and I'm very happy to be given another chance of having a baby, but I feel the loss of Bailey so deeply, that it feels like all I want is him.
I also know now, that life is so precious. I need to be grateful for every second I have this baby with me, as you never know when it may end.
I thought before I was pregnant that I would tell everyone as early as possible, but it hasn't turned out that way. I haven't told anyone other than my family, Will's family and an elder at church (didn't expect her to tell other elders, so who knows who knows at church now). I guess as people made it so hard to talk about our loss, it has made it also so hard to share our happy news with them. When we told our sister-in-law, she congratulated us with no emotion in it - not even a smile, she never expected us to try again - I'm angry about that - what gives her the right to assume something like that - is she the only one allowed to have two children?
For all the mummy's who are pregnant, trying or thinking about trying for another baby, I pray that all your dreams come true, and that we all can have a beautiful healthy baby at the end of our pregnancies.