Our beautiful baby boy ~Bailey~ was born sleeping on 24 March 2009
My lovely mum, Val, passed away on 9 April 2015 (my best friend)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas, Bailey xxxxx

Merry Christmas, Bailey. 

Love you so much sweet angel baby.  Hope you had a gorgeous time with all your angel friends in heaven. 

Today your little brother celebrated his first Christmas.  I felt your presence all around him today.  I love my 3 little boys. 

Mummy still misses you and somehow I don't think that will ever change.  I guess the missing will get easier but the love I have for you will never change or end.

Today your aunty gave us a Christmas bauble with your name on it.  Wow, it was such a surprise and I got goosebumps and felt a rush of emotion, but it felt good to have your aunty acknowledge you and know how much such an item would help us this Christmas. 

Love you lots and lots.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My Christmas Cards

I've written in my Christmas cards and decided to place a Christmas Tree with Bailey's name (from Carly) inside them.  I'm sending them to my aunties and other relatives, so they all know about Bailey and how much I love him, so I'm hoping that they enjoy having a photo of his Christmas Tree.

I printed them at K-mart today and the photo sales girl (she was pretty young so I'm not saying lady or woman) said the photos were very cute.  I've now run out of them, so will need to make another trip to K-mart to get some more (I'm sure my mum won't want to miss out).  The Tree does look so beautiful printed - I was surprised to see how well they print.


Monday, December 6, 2010

Bailey and Christmas

Last year I didn't want Christmas.  Didn't want a Christmas without one of my babies being here.

This year I want Christmas for my two boys here (I'm very excited), but I feel the missing part of my family so much.  So, even though I think this Christmas is going to be very different for me, I'm aching a lot for Bailey.  It is obviously the festive season which has made me yearn for him even more than the normal everday yearning I feel.

Not sure if I'm saying this all the right way, but there's something deep going on inside me, which is making me miss him so very much right now.

Today I bought two teddies to donate to other families who lose their precious babies.  I buy teddies in Bailey's rememberence for Christmas and his angel anniversary's. 

I also need to start organising my Christmas cards and get something together for remembering Bailey to place in them.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Some Days are Hard

I'm feeling tired.  I'm tired of being stuck in this baby lost life.  I want to be like other family and friends, where they haven't lost a baby, haven't felt the endless loss, endless wanting, endless longing for a baby who isn't here. 

I'm tired of the judgements of people who haven't been in my situation.  It still hurts.  Do I just leave those people behind in my life and move forward somewhere else?

I did blame God, but I can't do that because he accepted my son in Heaven, raising him there.  I do wish things were different and that he could have stayed here instead.

I know I need to forgive people who I thought would be there for me, but weren't.  I know they didn't know how to respond or know what to say.  But, how did Kyle fall into this category too.  Why did hardly anyone want to celebrate his birth with me, why did people want to hold him after his surgery, and barely looked at him before?  It hurts like hell.  He was beautiful even with his cleft. 

Just random thinking, but some days are harder than others.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Aunty's Funeral

Today we attended my aunty's funeral.  My aunty is the first of my dad's siblings to die.  She was such an energetic, lively, bubbly,  and happy lady.  She is going to be missed a lot.  She was always the one to keep the family together in some ways (I think my nanna was the one who made sure the family attended functions, etc. but she died when I was 15.  She was 94, so she had a long life and lived 16 years after my grandfather died).  She died of a stroke just like my nanna.  When she had the stroke she said she would fight it, but it was too severe and she couldn't swallow anymore. 

I saw cousins today that I hadn't seen in years, in fact I didn't even recognise some of them.  My aunty had prepared for this day and wrote her own eulogy about a year ago.  It was beautiful.  She was able to say things that happened in her life that no-one else would know, or remember.  It was strange to hear her call my dad "their baby brother", it wouldn't have been "baby brother" if someone else had written it.

The thing is when I'm now at a funeral, I think about them meeting my Bailey in Heaven.  I hope so anyway.  I wonder if he's there, too, waiting for them to arrive.  Was he there to great her with her husband, daughter, her mum and dad?  Would she even know who he is? 

On the way home, my mum suggested that her ashes be scattered where Bailey's ashes are.  I told her not to do that, as I regret so much that I did that.  I have no where to go to visit him, and have that special time with him.

Friday, November 5, 2010

My First Dream

I've had my first dream of Bailey.  It wasn't comforting, in fact it was a bit scary. 

In my dream I was going through his memory box and came across his hand and foot prints.  As I was looking at the prints, his hand prints were slowly fading until they were gone.  I woke up then.

Not sure what it means, but why dream of losing his hand prints when that is just one of the few items I have to treasure. 

His hand print reminds me though of how sick he was.  The nurses couldn't open up his hands to get proper hand prints as they were completely clenched.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I hate that question???

Why can't I say that I have 3 children?  Why doesn't the number 3 pop right out?  Why after saying 2, do I instantly right at that very moment of saying 2, do I instantly want to kick myself for not saying 3?  Why is the question of how many children I have, hurt me so much?

Every time I feel like I'm not being truthful to my Bailey.  It's way too hard.  I love him just as much, yet why can't I say it out loud? 

Brodie wanted to hold one of Bailey's teddies a couple of days ago.  I told him he could as long as he was careful with it.  He held it, cuddled it, kissed it and returned it back on top of Bailey's memory box.  He's only 3, but I think he is starting to know that the photo of Bailey is precious as well as the things I have around his memory box.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Letter to Bailey

To sweet beautiful Bailey,

I miss you so much.  The missing of you doesn't seem to get easier in time.  Your baby brother has helped me heal so much though. 

I'm starting to live my life again after putting my life on hold after I lost you.  Even when I was pregnant with Kyle, I just didn't have the get up and go I should have had.  I missed you so painfully.  When I think back to last year, I can't believe how I couldn't even live my life for Brodie, he missed out on so much, but now I want to share life with him again.  We will have Christmas this year, when last Christmas I didn't even bother putting up the tree or decorations, Brodie didn't see Father Christmas - I just didn't want Christmas without you.  Brodie saw a Christmas tree in the shops a couple of days ago and asked me what it was, I felt so ashamed that he didn't know.  This year will be different, we may even buy a new Christmas tree.  I wish you were here, but I know you know what is happening here, and I know that you would want your brothers to celebrate Christmas and all that life has to offer.

I was also thinking of taking your brothers to the Zoo soon.  Last time I took Brodie, you were happily lazing about in my womb, and I was dreaming of taking the both of you once you were born.  My dream isn't going to come true now. 

I love you sweet baby.  Will miss you forever.

Lots of Love,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

My Pop

Today my grandfather died.  We knew it was coming as he had advanced alzheimers and had refused food yesterday.  We didn't think he would die so quickly.  He had only been transferred to a new aged care facility that have better facilities to take care of him about a week ago.  Not sure how I feel yet as I'm probably still feeling a bit shocked.

My mum and I were discussing what we will do with his ashes.  When my Pop was capable, he always said he wanted his ashes scattered, but not in a lake, river or ocean.

We had Bailey's ashes scattered in the Barossa Valley.  I still feel uneasy with the idea of Bailey being on his own out there (didn't think or couldn't think at the time of how I would feel about scattering his ashes).

My Pop didn't remember us.  He didn't know who we were as far back as 3 years ago when we introduced Brodie to him.  He slowly forgot how to look after himself, forgot all the regular day routine, forgot his family bit by bit until he couldn't remember his sister.  It's a sad disease where a family member is robbed of all his memory.  We lost the Pop we knew a long time ago, but it's still so hard to hear the words "Pop died 10 minutes ago".  My Pop who lived to 92, but was so happy when he made it to 89 and didn't know he lived passed that, in his mind he was always going to be 89.

"Love you, Pop.  You have probably already met your beautiful great-grandson, Bailey.  He is beautiful, my gorgeous second born son.  He will hold your hand, and love you just like us.  Miss you, Pop, I've missed you for a long time"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bailey's First Birthday (due date)

Bailey's first birthday passed (if he had have been born on his due date) in August.  He would be 1 now.  Gosh, I still don't get why these things have to happen, why some of us have to lose a much wanted baby.  I wish I could hold him again, I wish I didn't lose him, I wish I was celebrating his birthday with him.

Life is busy for us.  Brodie is nearly 3, Kyle is 5 months and I don't have any time to myself, but I love my boys and wouldn't have my busy life any other way.  I love their cuddles, their laughs, I love Brodie saying "love you" for the first time without me saying it first, I love that Kyle is trying to sit up already, but I still miss my boy that isn't with us who I can't share all the things of our world with him. 

"Dear Bailey,

Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle love you so much.  We wish you were here.  We will never forget you, we will always remember you.  It's not easy for Mummy to always bring up your name in conversation, but you are always in Mummy's thoughts. 

Hoping you are having lots of fun with your friends in Heaven. 

Lots of love always,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle

Monday, August 16, 2010

When Kyle is Bailey!!!

Yesterday we took Kyle to church for the first time since his lip repair surgery.  Everyone who saw Kyle before the surgery, thought his lip is looking fantastic, which is to be expected because I think he is the most gorgeous baby around (and I thought this before the surgery anyway, once your baby is in your arms - nothing else is more beautiful). 

A friend came up to me and said "his name is Bailey, isn't it?".  My heart skipped a beat and it seemed an eternity before I could answer her.  I said "Bailey is the name of the son we lost, this is Kyle".  I wasn't prepared for anyone to call Kyle 'Bailey' and it was a huge shock.  She then remembered that Kyle's middle name is Bailey, and was able to cover up her embarassement with that. 

I read other blogs and read of mum's being able to talk openly about their lost babies, but I'm finding it harder as time goes by, and it hurts so much to now talk about Bailey.  I'm not trying to forget him (he is always in my thoughts every day), it's just too hard for me emotionally to explain to people about what happened to my middle son.  I wish things were easier.

Here are my gorgeous little firemen.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Lip Repair Surgery

Kyle's lip repair surgery was a huge success, and here is the result (3 days after).

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Kyle - Lip Repair Surgery

Kyle's lip repair surgery has been booked for 6 July.  I'm nervous about my little one going into hospital for surgery, but I was told by the plastic surgeon that the surgery often only takes about 1 hour or less, so at least I'm not waiting for hours before I can see my baby again. 

Kyle's grown so much, and smiles and gurgles a lot.  Brodie has adjusted to life with his new little brother, and shows him a lot of love.  Gosh, they are so cute together.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Bailey - My Beautiful Son

I've been thinking that I'm so proud of my beautiful Bailey, that I should share a photo of him.  So now my blog includes a photo of my gorgeous boy.

I wasn't sure if I should share the coloured photo or black and white, so for now, I'm displaying the black and white photo.

I proudly display his coloured photo in our family room and he is so beautiful.  His photo will always be on display in our home, and his brother's will grow up knowing about their little / big brother up in Heaven.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Bailey and miss him deeply.  "Love you so much, Bailey".

Monday, May 3, 2010

My Boys

It's been busy.  Kyle has been attending lots of appointments with a range of specialists regarding his cleft.  The Speech Pathologist and Ears, Nose and Throat specialist don't need to see Kyle again as his cleft lip will not affect the way he speaks or hear.
The main surgery will be the repair of Kyle's lip.  His gum and orthodontic work will occur when his permanent teeth come through, and touch up work to his lip if and when necessary.

We certainly haven't forgotten Bailey with the birth of our new baby.  I still think about Bailey everyday, he's always in my prayers.  Daily I ask God to give Bailey a kiss for me - I miss him so much.  I now wonder if he would have looked liked Brodie growing up, as Kyle is the splitting image of his big brother when he was a newborn.  I also wonder if he would have inherited the golden blonde hair, too. 

We have three boys now.  I never thought that I would have three boys, I never actually thought we would be a producer of boys especially since I'm such a girl.  Our family is complete now, so there will be no little girls in our household.  In some ways, I'm so happy that I have boys that can grow up with each other and hopefully be best friends.

My Gorgeous Boys

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My Easter Baby

Introducing our latest addition to our family "KYLE BAILEY".

Kyle was born on Saturday, 3 April at 3.40pm, weighing 3.26kgs and 47.5cms long.

As mentioned in earlier posts, Kyle was diagnosed with a unilateral cleft lip and palate.  I'm happy to report that yes, Kyle does have a cleft lip, but his palate is all intact without a cleft.

We are so happy with our new addition, and believe that Bailey has been watching out for and taking care of his little brother.  God has answered all our prayers for our little boy.

Kyle Bailey (our little miracle)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

To Bailey on your 1st Birthday

To our beautiful Bailey on your first birthday.

We can't put into words how much we miss you, how much we wanted you and how much you are loved.

Today, Brodie and I went to the shops and bought you a cake to celebrate our love for you.  We made a donation in your name, and bought two teddies that we have donated in your memory. 

We wish so much that we were celebrating your first birthday with you. 

We hope you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all your angel friends. 

I imagine you as a gorgeous blonde and blue eyed 1 year old, with a gigantic smile and a heart full of love and happiness.

Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and your new little brother

Friday, March 19, 2010

19 March 2009

On 19 March 2009, we found out our little boy wasn't going to make it. 

It was our 19 week scan, and the news we received was the worst news we could possibly have been told.  Our precious baby boy was very sick.

I hate that day, I hate having being told our baby had a lot of problems, I hate that ultrasound room, I hate having had to wait at my OB's rooms full of happy pregnant women while waiting to be told "your baby isn't viable", I hate that my OB said he would pass me onto a specialist to care for us while he went overseas, I hate the fact that I did everything I could not to cry when I walked back into the waiting room, I hate the car ride home afterwards, and telling my mum about her grandson while she was sick in hospital.

This day last year was the worst day of my life and the day my dreams for my baby were crushed.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Letter to Bailey - Miss You So Much

Dear Bailey,

Missing you lots.  Can't believe your birthday is coming up, and that your little brother will be here soon. 

Thinking of you everyday.  I don't always know what to say to you, but I want you to know how much you are missed, how much I love you, how much I wish I could change everything for you.

Love you so much.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

March - Bailey's Upcoming Angel Anniversary

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.  Next month is Will's birthday, my birthday and Bailey's birthday.  I lost Bailey just 3 days after my birthday last year.  It seems incredible that it's been nearly a whole year since I said goodbye to my little boy.  A goodbye I wish I never had to make "I love you sweetheart".  So far, I think I'm okay with Bailey's upcoming angel anniversary.  Not sure what we will do on his day, but I'll try to make it a very special day. 

Today I also had a blood test to check whether I have developed cholestasis.  I get the results sometime next week.  Even though I'm probably okay, I've been starting to get tingles and minor itching, so thought I'd get it checked out now, rather than wait for anything else to develop. 

I start leave next week.  I'm just too tired to continue on any longer, as well as having a full on toddler wanting a lot of attention when I get home - it's just too exhausting. 

Our nursery still isn't ready for our new bub.  Not sure if it's because I just wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay with this baby first, or because our garage is full of Will's parents stuff and I still have no room for our stuff.  Once I start leave I'm hoping to start organising it.  I have lots of special feeding equipment now for bub.  Still very nervous about feeding baby, but since lots of other people have managed before me, I'm sure we'll work it out in the end. 

Thursday, January 14, 2010

25 Weeks - Ultrasound Pictures

A couple of days ago, I received a letter from the ultrasound place and enclosed were these two pictures of my gorgeous baby.

I was so happy that they thought to send these to me.

"I love you little baby".

Friday, January 8, 2010

Ultrasound on Baby's Cleft

Great news.  Baby is doing really well, and is growing at the rate he should. 

Our first diagonsis was that he had bilateral cleft lip and palate, but after this ultrasound it has now been diagnosed as an unilateral cleft lip and palate.  This is such good news as only one side of his lip and palate are affected by the cleft.  Even though he'll still need surgery, speech care (most likely to ensure he doesn't have a nasal sound) and orthodontics, I believe the one side only would be considered a milder form of a cleft.  Our baby didn't really co-operate with the ultrasound technician, but she definitely confirmed that he is in fact a boy.  Brodie is going to love having a little brother to play with his car collection with him (Brodie is so mad about cars that he now insists that he takes his cars into the bath with him).

I've been praying that our baby's cleft wouldn't be as severe as our first diagonsis.  I'm so relieved that my prayers and hopes provided a milder form of a cleft.  Thank you so much, God.

It was so great to hear good news (almost forgotten what it felt like to hear good news).

Monday, January 4, 2010

Letter to Bailey - Brodie's 2nd Birthday Photo

Dear sweet Bailey,

Just wanted to share with you a photo of Brodie celebrating his 2nd Birthday.  He's cute, don't you think?  I wish with all my heart that you could have been included in this photo, too, just like you should have been.

Miss you beautiful baby.

Lots of Love,

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Holding my first newborn in ages

I held a newborn baby boy today, the first time since I lost Bailey.  I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to hold one so little.  It was wonderful to hold a brand new baby, sleeping, content and absolutely perfect.  He is beautiful.  I was thinking about Bailey and how tiny he was compared to a full-term baby (he would be nearly 5 months old now if he was born on his due date), and how my new little one will be just as warm, cuddly and content.  Brodie and I bought little Charlie a couple of jumpsuits, and Brodie knew that they were for a baby - he was so cute in showing my mum what we had bought for Charlie.

I was trying to imagine the baby with a cleft as mine will have a hole in his face.  Will people think my baby isn't perfect?  Will I be able to cope with the stares of strangers until my little one has his operation?  I'm really grateful for this chance to have another baby, but I can't help but think sometimes, why?  Not only did I lose a precious son, but everything else in my life has been so hard, so why does my son need to go through additional hardship, too?  Why does my son have to go through years of operations to achieve what all of us take for granted?

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad today, maybe everything will be okay tomorrow, and I won't question things again, and I'll just be happy for my little one, and I'll know things will turn out okay.