Our beautiful baby boy ~Bailey~ was born sleeping on 24 March 2009
My lovely mum, Val, passed away on 9 April 2015 (my best friend)

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Upsetting Family Member

Someone at Christmas asked how many children I was planning on having.  I told her just two live children (Brodie and my new little one) as it had always been my intention to have two.  She said that is good as I shouldn't try for anymore.  Not sure if someone else should verbalise their opinion on how many children someone should have.  It kind of makes me angry that someone should feel the need to remind me once again the problems I have in bringing children into this world. 

Reality is, is that this baby will be my third child, and I love all my children.  If I wanted to have more children, isn't that really up to me and my husband, and no-one else?  I don't know why, but this woman always has the most crappiest opinions and comments that are really of no business to her.  Unfortunately she is my sister-in-law so I'm kind of stuck with listening to this sort of rubbish. 

Gosh the first day I met her, she asked if we were on our first date (does she really think my now husband would have taken me to meet her on our first date), then as we had used my car to visit, she asked who's car it was and when I told her it was mine, she said you can't drive though, and I asked her where she got that idea from, it's because I catch the train into the city to work (I'm not financially set up to pay for parking in the city everyday).  At the birth of Brodie she asked how is her son related to Brodie (of course, cousins, and 2 years on she still can't spell Brodie's name correctly).  So, it does go on and on, so at the end I shouldn't let her opinions/comments get to me, but once my decisions for my children is involved, it just really hurts.  It hurts to hear that other's may have formed the opinion that I shouldn't have children.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Letter to Bailey

To Dear Bailey,

We missed you this Christmas.

The day was so full, that Brodie only managed to get about half an hour of sleep between visits to family.  We started off with giving Brodie his Christmas present, he didn't really know what to do with it, so we opened it for him.  He got a racing track for his hot wheels cars - your brother is turning into a car fanatic.  We then went to your Uncle and his girlfriend's place for breakfast.  Brodie ate two pancakes, which surprised us.  We then headed off to your grandparents for lunch.  Your other Uncle was there, and Brodie was so spoilt (his new nick name for his Uncle is "horsey").  Then it was off to another Uncle and Aunty's house for more food and presents.  We had a good day, but maybe a bit too busy.  Everyone would have spoilt you, too, being it would have been your first Christmas.  I miss you so much.

We received a gift voucher at a Lavendar Farm in Lyndoch, near where your ashes are.  I'm starting to feel more comfortable with your ashes being there now.  It's such a lovely country town, and I know you would have been okay with your ashes being there, too.

Everyone was excited for us to be expecting your little brother.  My belly is large now, and everyone who didn't know before know now, and are really happy for us.  For me, it was just easiest for people to notice my pregnancy, than actually tell them about it. 

Your little brother is moving lots, and I'm now just starting to really enjoy this pregnancy.  It's so reassuring to feel his movements.  I'm so looking forward to your brother's arrival.

Bailey, I just wanted to let you know that I love you as much as when I first found out about you.  I miss you little one.  I hope you're having a wonderful time in Heaven.

Lots of Love,

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Appointments with Plastic Surgeon and Speech Pathologist

I've now met our baby's plastic surgeon and speech pathologist.  Both appointments made me feel positive about the life my baby will have.  There will be quite a few operations, lots of orthodontic work and our baby's speech will be monitored yearly and if needed more surgery to help with any speech impediments.  I guess in a way I now know what's ahead and it's not as daunting as I first thought (considering I have a fear of doctors and hospitals myself). 

The speech pathologist asked a teenager who is at the end of her journey with the operations, orthodontic work and speech check ups, what she would say to a parent who's unborn baby has just been diagonsed with a cleft lip and palate and she said "don't worry, everything works out in the end, and I think my scar looks cool".  The speech pathologist said the first year of my baby's life will be the hardest with lots of medical appointments, then they'll slowly drop off, then once the permanent teeth come through, then it's off to lots of appointments again. 

I have another scan on 8 January to check on baby's cleft and hopefully we'll get to see a clearer picture of how much of a cleft it is.  I showed the speech pathologist the pictures I have, and she's reasonably sure that the palate is involved.  It does look like to me that one side is complete but maybe the other side is incomplete.  I guess no point in guessing and we most likely won't know until baby is here anyway.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Our First Cleft Support Group Meet-up

Brodie, Will and I went to our first cleft support group get together yesterday. It was at a play park for little kids. Brodie even got a present from Santa, which I thought was gorgeous since we aren't members yet. I was really nervous before going, but the people who attended are friendly and happy, so it made things a bit easier for us.

We got to see other kids with clefts, and to see the outcome of the surgeries. Only one baby was there that hadn't had the surgery yet. The kids all look happy and very outgoing, and Brodie had a ball with them as they are about his age. You can tell the children there that have a cleft condition to those that don't so it was interesting to see what the outcome of the surgeries are. Obviously there is scarring that can't be avoided, but I guess when you compare before and after surgery there is a huge difference.

There was a cleft affected person in his 60s and one in his 30s, and it was interesting to hear their stories as they had to wait much longer for their surgeries, and how they are still going in for more surgeries. Life long condition, so it doesn't just stop with the surgeries in infancy.

Still a bit scary for me though, but I guess once my little baby is born, and everything starts falling into place, we'll get through it.

I started initially telling people about our baby's condition, but have stopped now, because people's reaction to it is the same as when they found out I lost Bailey. It can't be avoided obviously, but right now I just want to get everything right in my head first, before dealing with other's reactions.

Our Beautiful Baby

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Baby's First Appointments

Next week I have my baby's first appointment with the plastic surgeon. He'll be discussing what happens after the baby is born and timeframe for surgeries, etc. I also have an appointment with a speech pathologist to discuss feeding needs of this baby as baby won't be able to be breastfed (I was told that the speech pathologist has a child with a cleft lip and palate, so not only can she help us with the fundamentals, but she can help with her own personal experience, too).

The Craniofacial Unit in Adelaide has organised these appointments for me, and I was told that even after the initial surgeries have taken place, they'll want to check up on my little one ongoing for years. I guess in a way I feel like we're going to get a lot of support with our baby, which is very comforting to know.

After losing Bailey, I really feel like I'm in a different place now, and feel I am coping and can cope with my new baby's situation a lot better than maybe what I could if I hadn't felt what it feels like to lose a baby and know that if I could have done something to prevent his lost I would have. Just knowing that, if everything continues to go well, I'll be taking home a healthy baby no matter what.

I'm excited for my little one, because I know that even though life won't start off perfect, the best care possible is already taking place and baby will be coming into a family that already loves it with all our hearts.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Christmas Service

We attended the Christmas Service for people who have lost someone in their lives at the Funeral Directors a couple of weeks ago. It was a nice service, but even though short, it was still too long for my 2 year old. He complained a bit through the Service, but something I should have expected anyway.

We placed Christmas Cards on a tree for our lost ones, and then later they cremate the Christmas Tree and Cards.

It was quite emotional especially when I tried reading aloud the poems in the book, so I stopped, and then of course Brodie was asking for a lot of attention which took the focus off the Service.

Unfortunately my mum decided to have an argument with my husband at the end of the Service, which really ruined the day. I still can't understand why she chose that time to air her grievances and it really disappointed me that she did that. It really sucked how I wasn't able to think on Bailey the way I should have.

I have had some more appointments with regards to our baby's cleft lip and palate and have been in touch with a local support group. We have a recommendation for a surgeon already who will perform the surgeries, and will meet him before the baby's birth so that he can prepare us for the outcome of the birth and then the surgeries that will follow.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Our Baby - Cleft Lip

We saw our new baby via ultrasound on Wednesday. We have good news and not so good news. Our baby looks healthy, active and was quite mischievous during the scan and we were so relieved to see our baby moving about.

We were told at the end of the scan that our baby has a bilateral cleft lip and most likely it extends to the palate. Being told news that something is wrong with your baby comes as a shock and after losing Bailey in March I thought that the outcome of the scan would be that our baby would be perfect in every way. Obviously this condition isn't life threatening and is repaired through surgery during the baby's first year in life, and then will require speech therapy as it grows and orthodontic work. We most likely won't be able to breastfeed, but I'm going to try my best to express as much as I can and then feed the baby through a modified teat. I guess once I got over the shock of hearing the news, and looked into the condition and knowing that other than the cleft lip and palate, my baby should otherwise be in excellent health.

The baby will now be monitored for how serious the cleft lip and palate is. It isn't at this point certain that the palate is involved, but as the lip is severly affected on both sides, it is most likely split too. The doctors want me to be as informed as I possibly can before the baby's birth and prepared for the outcome of what my baby will look like once it is born.

I love this baby no matter what and if others have difficulties coming to terms with our baby then it's their problem. I'm trying to toughen myself up now for the looks and comments that I'm sure I'll come across (gosh, I know I'll be so protective).

Please pray for my little baby that the condition isn't as severe as it could be, and that there are no other underlying conditions that sometimes are associated with a cleft lip and palate.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

19 Week Scan and Christmas Service of Rememberance

This afternoon I'm having my 19 week scan. I'm excited to be seeing my baby again, but also quite nervous, as at my 19 week scan with Bailey we found out he wasn't going to make it.

We are going to attend a Christmas Service of Rememberance on Sunday at the Funeral Directors that cremated Bailey. We get a chance to write in a Christmas card for our lost ones, and place them on the Christmas tree there. I've got a special Christmas card for Bailey, which says on the front "For you, Son", and then inside the card "Just to let you know you're always in many loving thoughts and happy memories - and that's especially true at Christmas - You're such a special son. Merry Christmas with Love", and then I'll write our special message to Bailey inside it. I'm looking forward to it as it is a chance for me to openly love my son. My parents are also coming and will bring a special card for Bailey, too.

We are not sure if we will find out what this baby is. Will doesn't want to know, but I do. I'm thinking another little boy, while Will thinks this one is a girl (first time in 3 pregnancies has he ever suggested it may be a girl - well he did get Brodie and Bailey right).

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting - October

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been nearly 8 months since I lost Bailey but seems like only yesterday I said goodbye to my little boy. I've been thinking I'm doing okay with dealing with my grief, but I don't know whether I really have, or whether I've coped by not dealing with it at all. I'm sad that I never kept Bailey's ashes. I had them scattered in the Barossa Valley thinking that would be a sweet thing to do, but now it feels like I've just thrown him away, and so what I thought was a nice gesture has turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. Now, I can't even go into the Barossa without turning into a wreck, and that's only when I manage to actually go. Now I avoid the place as much as possible. We didn't have a memorial service for him, which is another thing I regret. Our pastor said we could have one when we are ready, but I should have done it straight away, as I now doubt it will ever happen. How could I have not done this? I felt I wouldn't be able to cope through a service, but now my feelings just linger, so I guess in a way I didn't really even say goodbye to him.

I don't feel any peace at all. I feel like I'm the only one who ever will love him, the only one to truly care. I'm pregnant again, but it doesn't take away the pain. Losing a child changes everything.

I'm tired of people wondering if I'll lose this baby, checking me every week that things are okay - why can't this pregnancy be treated like any other. I'm being positive that everything will be okay and that I'll bring home a healthy baby next year. Any anxiety is within me so I don't need other people creating more for me - which is exactly what happens when they question me every week. I told someone a couple of weeks ago about the pregnancy, and they said "that's a good thing, isn't it?", what!!!! Would I ever have thought about having another baby if it wasn't a good thing, if I thought every one of my pregnancies would end in loss - I can't think like that, I had to try again. I see my healthy (but oh so naughty) 2 year old, and think "I've done it, I had a healthy baby, so really there's no reason why I can't produce another healthy baby". Does losing a baby mean you can't try to have another?

I'm jealous of friends and family having babies without going through any pregnancy loss - seeing how easy it is for them, and them not knowing what it really feels like to lose a baby. I would never wish anyone to lose a baby, but at the same time, I feel so jealous that they don't have to spend the rest of their lives with grief, wanting their baby that they've lost so much.

I hope to get through this pregnancy, and have a baby at the end. I'm being positive and believe that this will happen (oh gosh, I pray that I do). I want my children to know their brother, and love him as much as I do. I know that with grief things are up and down, so all I can do is take one day at a time. I hope that I can forgive my choices for Bailey and that I've done the right thing by him, and that he is okay with that. I want my heart to feel again, and let people in that I've blocked out. I want to know that my husband still thinks about Bailey and hasn't just gotten over it (he doesn't mention Bailey in his prayers anymore and it's breaking my heart not to hear him say his name).

Monday, November 9, 2009

Letter to Bailey

Dear Bailey,

I'm still missing you so much. Thank you for coming into our lives even though it was such a short time, and even though you didn't get to take a breath of air, I got the chance to hold you and kiss you as much as I could in the hours that we shared together.

Thank you for sending down your brother or sister, and letting me know about the little bundle on your due date.

A couple of weeks ago at 15 weeks, I finally told work that I'm expecting your brother or sister. Everyone is very happy for me. Still lots of people don't know, and for some reason I'm finding it really hard to let them know - the words just aren't coming out of my mouth even though at times I'm desperate to tell. Why am I so scared to share my wonderful news? My baby bump is smaller than when I was pregnant with you and Brodie, but there definitely is a bump there. I'm so amazed how I've managed to now get to 17 weeks, and some people still not noticing.

With my wonderful new doctor, we finally got answers as to why things went so wrong while I was pregnant with you. I'm so sorry my blood caused all these bad things to happen to you. If I had have known this could have happened, I would have done everything I could to ensure your safety, and that's what I'm doing now to protect your brother or sister.

Brodie is now 2. Funny how the "terrible twos" have started right on time. Your big brother can really frustrate me, but he's such a gorgeous little man, so I never can stay too upset with him for too long.

I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm constantly thinking of you, constantly loving you, and constantly missing you.

Hoping you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all the beautiful angel babies up there with you.

Lots of love forever,

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Baby News

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my third child. I'm excited, but so anxious and nervous about being pregnant again. I couldn't go through another stillbirth.

I decided on a new obstetrican, which turns out was the best thing I could have done. They are going to monitor me closely, and have already told me that due to complications with my liver when I was pregnant the first time, that it will happen again, and it happens earlier in subsequent pregnancies. This could mean that this baby could arrive around Bailey's angel birthday. I didn't know that I could have liver complications earlier when I was pregnant with Bailey, even though this condition didn't affect what happened to Bailey, but it could have if we got past the third trimester.

I have already had lots of blood tests, and my ultrasounds will be performed by doctors rather than technicians. I feel like I'm in the best hands possible, hands that will take care of me and my little one. I have my second ultrasound tomorrow. My first one at 9 weeks showed a tiny little round ball, waving it's little arms around (I believe my OB that little one was waving, even though I couldn't see it myself even when she pointed it out). It felt so re-assuring as Bailey never moved during his ultrasounds (alarms should have gone off as to why Bailey never moved, but I always thought he was sleeping - I know better now).

I cry sometimes, thinking about my loss of Bailey, and how much I wish he was here. I know this is a new baby and I'm very happy to be given another chance of having a baby, but I feel the loss of Bailey so deeply, that it feels like all I want is him.

I also know now, that life is so precious. I need to be grateful for every second I have this baby with me, as you never know when it may end.

I thought before I was pregnant that I would tell everyone as early as possible, but it hasn't turned out that way. I haven't told anyone other than my family, Will's family and an elder at church (didn't expect her to tell other elders, so who knows who knows at church now). I guess as people made it so hard to talk about our loss, it has made it also so hard to share our happy news with them. When we told our sister-in-law, she congratulated us with no emotion in it - not even a smile, she never expected us to try again - I'm angry about that - what gives her the right to assume something like that - is she the only one allowed to have two children?

For all the mummy's who are pregnant, trying or thinking about trying for another baby, I pray that all your dreams come true, and that we all can have a beautiful healthy baby at the end of our pregnancies.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

People who I thought were my friends

I've noticed lately that people who I care about and thought cared about me, don't actually care that much. Some people now turn their backs on me when they see me coming, as if I didn't actually see them do it. Is it really that difficult to talk to me now? Have they placed me in a category of 'mother who lost her baby', and now don't want to talk to me?

At the end, I don't really talk about Bailey that much to anyone. I know that I'm the only one who really loves and misses him. I don't expect anyone to remember his due date, his birthday, or him at all. So, when people don't talk about any upcoming events or about Bailey, it doesn't really upset me that much. I basically don't care what anyone remembers or what anyone else thinks, as I'm Bailey's mum and I will always remember and love him as much as I love my Brodie. The thing I really hate, is that lots of people don't want to talk to me now at all.

I don't get advised of new pregnancies (only find out through the grapevine) or talk about how their pregnancies are going even though I would be very interested, people act strange around me, and like I mentioned before, turn their backs on me when they see me walking in their direction. Will I mention a new pregnancy to them? - they can find out through the grapevine like the way I do.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest as it's been frustrating me lately.

The Secret Garden Meeting - August

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your baby's room now?
If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We didn’t have a room set up for Bailey. We were in the process of erecting a garage in our backyard so that we could move all our odds and ends in there, which would have made our spare room available for our baby. We would have it all completed a long time before his due date, but after we lost Bailey, we’ve taken our time and our garage still isn’t finished and what would have been Bailey’s room is still in a shambles.

We now have Brodie’s cot in the spare room, which would have been used by Bailey, but it’s only in there for storage now.

Maybe in some ways it was a blessing that the room wasn’t set up and I didn’t need to alter anything, but at the same time I’m so disappointed in myself that I didn’t have anything set up at all for Bailey, even to have removed our stuff out of the room.

My parents-in-law want to stay with us in a few weeks time, so we have no option but to clear it out now and we are planning to have the garage finished in the next couple of weeks so that we have somewhere to store our stuff. It seems so strange to now be cleaning it out for my in-laws and not my little Bailey (I’d so rather be cleaning it out for Bailey).

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Upsetting Baby Announcement

I attended the usual office communications meeting on Wednesday. An announcement was made that a work colleague's wife had just given birth. I did not know that he was expecting another baby, and was shocked to hear that his baby was due only a week after Bailey. When it was announced, the announcer didn't know what he had. Someone yelled out "well, it's alive", before someone else said that he had a boy. I was so hurt by that comment, I felt like saying "alive as opposed to dead, like my little boy", or even just walking out of the meeting without saying a word. I felt like my whole world came crashing down all over again. I wanted out of that meeting and couldn't wait for it to end. I didn't want to make a scene with over 40 people watching me, but I now wish I had have just walked out.

I just can't believe that the office is so divided that some of us didn't even know this person was even expecting a baby. I was completely shocked that another person was expecting a baby around the same time Bailey was to be born.

I will not be announcing another pregnancy at my workplace. I will just let management know, and leave it at that.

For some reason ever since the early stages of my pregnancy with Bailey, I've been reading birth announcements in the newspaper. I was reading last Saturday's paper and an announcement was made that someone's son was born and they named him "Bailey William (surname)" born on 8 August. Bailey's middle name is William. It was so strange to read that, but kind of uplifting also to know that there is a little Bailey William born around the time my Bailey William was to be born.

So, Bailey's due date came and went. I was glad to be home and with Brodie to remember and love little Bailey. I really wish he was here, and I was nursing my newborn right now.

Brodie finally got his new bed last Friday. It's taking a while for him to get used to it, but he's coping. It took over half a day to re-sort his room (really found out how small his bedroom is while trying to squeeze his new bed into it).

I also asked for prayer at church during worship on Sunday. It was the first time that I had enough faith to ask for prayer at the front from the elders.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

To Bailey on your due date 11 August 2009

Dear precious Bailey,

Today is the day you were due. We miss you so much, we will never be able to express in words how much we miss and love you.

We're so happy you were created, but we're so sorry you couldn't stay with us.

Today Brodie and Mum made cupcakes in your honour (Brodie's contribution mainly was to lick the spoon, but he was watching the making process).

We then bought you a little teddy for your memory box.

And two photo frames for some of your photos.

We tried to find some teddy bears to donate to the hospital you were born in, but we couldn't find any that were suitable, so we'll have to do that another day.

We still find it so hard to believe that you left us in March. We wish that everything had turned out so differently, and that you were able to stay here with us.

You will always be our second child, and Brodie's little brother.

You will be forever in our hearts.

Lots of love always,

Mummy, Daddy and Brodie


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting - July

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I see Bailey in Heaven with his two aunties (both born sleeping) and beautiful great-nanna looking out for him. I see him happy and healthy and playing with all the other children in Heaven. I don’t see him as a newborn, but a child with blonde hair and blue eyes, tall and gorgeous.

Bailey was due on 11 August 2009, so I still feel him here with me, even though I have to come to terms with the fact that he’s not. I imagine Bailey playing with Brodie in the park, going to school together, being best friends and having arguments and fights.

I also imagine him growing up – what he may have looked like as a teenager and then as a man.

I think about how my life would have been – so busy with two little ones running around the house, and what a fantastic big brother Brodie would have been.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

It’s been 4 months since I lost Bailey. At the moment all I want is Bailey – I wish things were different and that he would have been born either a couple of weeks ago, or born in the next few days.

I haven’t decided whether to try for another baby or not. If I were to fall pregnant, I’d be so happy, but frightened that I may lose another one again. At the time I was losing Bailey, I told Will that I couldn’t ever go through anything like this again. Not all pregnancies end in loss, and I did have a healthy full-term baby, so there’s no reason to think that I can’t again.

I’m being asked by people whether I’m pregnant or trying again or expecting me to do so –I would prefer they ask how I am rather than find out or speculate if I’m pregnant.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pregnancy and Loss

Yesterday I was at the shops and bumped into a woman I know at church, and she asked me if I was pregnant again. So, I've been asked in a matter of weeks by two different people whether I'm pregnant.

Even though I really don't mind being asked if I'm pregnant (other than the feeling that I must have a swollen tummy and people are noticing it, and the uncomfortable feeling of not being pregnant when asked), it's just that most people didn't really talk to me after our son had died. So I'm thinking why do they feel they can ask that question, when obviously talking about Bailey was so uncomfortable for them. I was even wearing a top that I barely fit into while not pregnant, so there's no way I could have squeezed into pregnant.

When I went back to work after losing Bailey, not many people actually talked to me, let alone ask me anything about my beautiful baby.

Someone asked me how my weekend was - yet I'd been away from work for a couple of weeks. Barely anyone would make eye contact with me. My supervisor said that in some ways it was good I was away due to the company pushing to collect debt - My God, how could she even think that I would have preferred to be losing my baby over chasing some debt for the company. The regional manager asked how my mum was - what about me and my baby??? Then I thought maybe nobody knows that I had lost Bailey, but another colleague (who I respect very much) told me that he told as many people as he could in person, so I found out that yes, most people knew. I felt so alone, and felt like no-one even cared enough to ask about me or especially about my baby.

I then tried to talk to people by starting off by saying "we had a little boy", but then I could see that they wanted to move away from me as quickly as possible. I felt so uncomfortable, it felt like I couldn't even bring up Bailey into a conversation.

After feeling absolutley awful that I couldn't even tell people that I had a little boy and that we named him Bailey, I decided the only way to get my feelings out there and tell them about my baby was to sell some fundraising chocolates for the Teddy Love Club. So, I wrote a beautiful email, and sent it off. I sold a box of chocolates within 2 hours. I was so humbled by their efforts to help me raise some money for a very worthwhile cause. They then were okay to talk about Bailey with me. I found out that quite a number of my work colleagues have been through pregnancy loss or know of someone who has lost a baby. Unfortunately I also found out that management told staff to not talk about my baby and my loss, as it may upset me too much. I know they were trying to protect me, but it did the total opposite.

Friday, July 24, 2009

4 Months Since Bailey's Birth

To our precious Bailey,

Today is 4 months since your birth.

We just wanted to let you know how much we love you. You were a very much wanted part of our family. It is still so hard to believe that you are in Heaven.

We bought Brodie a bed today. He has grown out of his cot. We were planning on getting Brodie a bed before you arrived so that you would have the cot. Now we are going to move it into the spare room until the arrival of your brother or sister one day. Well, Daddy and Mummy haven't decided on whether we will try for another baby, yet. We just wish we weren't needing to make a decision of whether to try again as we desperately wish you were here instead.

We know that you are wonderfully happy in Heaven, but we wish that we were enjoying you here with us.

We'll never forget you, our beautiful angel baby.

Lots of love,
Mummy, Daddy and Brodie

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I sometimes come in here, not knowing what to write, but thinking of Bailey and the fact that he should be here, and just wanting to express that in some way. Hoping and praying that he is having a fantastic time in Heaven - happy and healthy. I'm so looking forward to seeing him again one day. Will he be all grown up, when I see him?

Brodie isn't aware of his little brother, and everything that has happened. He's talking lots now and is following lots of instructions. He dropped his cereal this morning and then got some wet cloths out to clean it up, without any instruction, he just did it. He also wiped his feet before coming inside and tried to help bring in the shopping today. He's absolutely gorgeous.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Another Baby???

Someone at work asked if I was expecting another baby as she mentioned that I looked like I was showing, I looked down and I guess my tummy does look a bit swollen (hasn't completely flattened since Bailey's birth), but no I'm not pregnant. I told her that I've been eating lots, which is true as lately I've been comfort eating, and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get pregnant again, which is also true.

Then I thought should I get pregnant again, do I want to go through another pregnancy, what will I do if it happens again and I lose another baby, how would I cope.

It's been nearly 4 months since Bailey's birth. I want Brodie to have a little brother or sister to grow up with. I think I need to get over my fears and decide either way. I had a healthy baby before, so surely I can do it again.

My OB told me I'm all good to go, so there's nothing physically wrong with me to not go ahead and try again.

I have lots of thinking and deciding to do, and then there's Will who needs some input in the decision making, too.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Post for Sarah of Tiny Footprints

Hi Sarah,

I've been trying to post a comment on your site for a few days, and for some reason, I can't get the Post a Comment page to open.

I just wanted to reply to your comment in your site, so I'm hoping you get to see this. How does my partner cope?

It's a bit hard to say how my partner is coping. I was told early after we lost Bailey by our church counselor that men cope with their grief differently to women and that men tend to work away their grief, while women talk about their emotions and feelings. After actually seeing this in action, I still wasn't prepared for the total opposite ways we are dealing with our grief. I just think that in some ways he has actually gotten over the loss of Bailey.

Other than telling him what I'm doing to remember Bailey by, we don't actually talk about the loss of Bailey. That's probably not the best way to deal with things, but we were starting to get into arguments, which I found hurtful not just to me, but also to Bailey's memory.

I'm hoping I'll find the right way to bring up Bailey in future conversations with him, but at the moment, it's just not working for me.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Letter to Bailey

I love you, Bailey. I miss you everyday.

I keep on wishing that things had turned out so differently and that you are still here with us. You would have been born very soon now (due on 11 August 2009). Brodie was born nearly 3 weeks early, so if I did have liver complications while pregnant with you, you would most definitely have been born a little early, too (probably at the end of this month), but at least you would still be here with us, not leaving us at only 5 months gestation.

I took Brodie to the park yesterday and he loved playing on the swings, slippery dip and rocking horse type of thing (but shaped like a snail). He had such a good time that he cried when we left - I now dream of you playing on the swings with Brodie and having such a good time, too. I miss you so much.

Lots of love,

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Tiny Footprints

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in Mummy, Daddy and Brodie's hearts, cause even though I'm gone now, we're never truly part.


Our beautiful baby son was born sleeping on Tuesday, 24 March 2009 at 11:32pm. We named him Bailey and he was 20 weeks gestation. Our hearts are crushed.

He was tiny and I spent 16 hours with my gorgeous boy after his birth. He had white blonde eyelashes and the start of blonde eyebrows. He looked so much like his Daddy. He was quite long and had large feet, so I can only imagine that he would have been over 6 feet tall when he grew up (Mummy and Daddy are quite tall). Brodie and Bailey would have been quite the gorgeous pair, no doubt with lots of lady admirers later on. We took lots of photos of our precious one that we will treasure always.

We miss him so much, we had so many dreams for our little one, and only after discovering that he was a little boy, he was then whisked away from us to Heaven. It will take a long time for things to feel normal again.

Bailey is now in God's care with all our departed family and friends, and we are so looking forward to seeing him again some day.

Love you, Bailey