Our beautiful baby boy ~Bailey~ was born sleeping on 24 March 2009
My lovely mum, Val, passed away on 9 April 2015 (my best friend)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pregnancy and Loss

Yesterday I was at the shops and bumped into a woman I know at church, and she asked me if I was pregnant again. So, I've been asked in a matter of weeks by two different people whether I'm pregnant.

Even though I really don't mind being asked if I'm pregnant (other than the feeling that I must have a swollen tummy and people are noticing it, and the uncomfortable feeling of not being pregnant when asked), it's just that most people didn't really talk to me after our son had died. So I'm thinking why do they feel they can ask that question, when obviously talking about Bailey was so uncomfortable for them. I was even wearing a top that I barely fit into while not pregnant, so there's no way I could have squeezed into pregnant.

When I went back to work after losing Bailey, not many people actually talked to me, let alone ask me anything about my beautiful baby.

Someone asked me how my weekend was - yet I'd been away from work for a couple of weeks. Barely anyone would make eye contact with me. My supervisor said that in some ways it was good I was away due to the company pushing to collect debt - My God, how could she even think that I would have preferred to be losing my baby over chasing some debt for the company. The regional manager asked how my mum was - what about me and my baby??? Then I thought maybe nobody knows that I had lost Bailey, but another colleague (who I respect very much) told me that he told as many people as he could in person, so I found out that yes, most people knew. I felt so alone, and felt like no-one even cared enough to ask about me or especially about my baby.

I then tried to talk to people by starting off by saying "we had a little boy", but then I could see that they wanted to move away from me as quickly as possible. I felt so uncomfortable, it felt like I couldn't even bring up Bailey into a conversation.

After feeling absolutley awful that I couldn't even tell people that I had a little boy and that we named him Bailey, I decided the only way to get my feelings out there and tell them about my baby was to sell some fundraising chocolates for the Teddy Love Club. So, I wrote a beautiful email, and sent it off. I sold a box of chocolates within 2 hours. I was so humbled by their efforts to help me raise some money for a very worthwhile cause. They then were okay to talk about Bailey with me. I found out that quite a number of my work colleagues have been through pregnancy loss or know of someone who has lost a baby. Unfortunately I also found out that management told staff to not talk about my baby and my loss, as it may upset me too much. I know they were trying to protect me, but it did the total opposite.

Friday, July 24, 2009

4 Months Since Bailey's Birth

To our precious Bailey,

Today is 4 months since your birth.

We just wanted to let you know how much we love you. You were a very much wanted part of our family. It is still so hard to believe that you are in Heaven.

We bought Brodie a bed today. He has grown out of his cot. We were planning on getting Brodie a bed before you arrived so that you would have the cot. Now we are going to move it into the spare room until the arrival of your brother or sister one day. Well, Daddy and Mummy haven't decided on whether we will try for another baby, yet. We just wish we weren't needing to make a decision of whether to try again as we desperately wish you were here instead.

We know that you are wonderfully happy in Heaven, but we wish that we were enjoying you here with us.

We'll never forget you, our beautiful angel baby.

Lots of love,
Mummy, Daddy and Brodie

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I sometimes come in here, not knowing what to write, but thinking of Bailey and the fact that he should be here, and just wanting to express that in some way. Hoping and praying that he is having a fantastic time in Heaven - happy and healthy. I'm so looking forward to seeing him again one day. Will he be all grown up, when I see him?

Brodie isn't aware of his little brother, and everything that has happened. He's talking lots now and is following lots of instructions. He dropped his cereal this morning and then got some wet cloths out to clean it up, without any instruction, he just did it. He also wiped his feet before coming inside and tried to help bring in the shopping today. He's absolutely gorgeous.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Another Baby???

Someone at work asked if I was expecting another baby as she mentioned that I looked like I was showing, I looked down and I guess my tummy does look a bit swollen (hasn't completely flattened since Bailey's birth), but no I'm not pregnant. I told her that I've been eating lots, which is true as lately I've been comfort eating, and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get pregnant again, which is also true.

Then I thought should I get pregnant again, do I want to go through another pregnancy, what will I do if it happens again and I lose another baby, how would I cope.

It's been nearly 4 months since Bailey's birth. I want Brodie to have a little brother or sister to grow up with. I think I need to get over my fears and decide either way. I had a healthy baby before, so surely I can do it again.

My OB told me I'm all good to go, so there's nothing physically wrong with me to not go ahead and try again.

I have lots of thinking and deciding to do, and then there's Will who needs some input in the decision making, too.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Post for Sarah of Tiny Footprints

Hi Sarah,

I've been trying to post a comment on your site for a few days, and for some reason, I can't get the Post a Comment page to open.

I just wanted to reply to your comment in your site, so I'm hoping you get to see this. How does my partner cope?

It's a bit hard to say how my partner is coping. I was told early after we lost Bailey by our church counselor that men cope with their grief differently to women and that men tend to work away their grief, while women talk about their emotions and feelings. After actually seeing this in action, I still wasn't prepared for the total opposite ways we are dealing with our grief. I just think that in some ways he has actually gotten over the loss of Bailey.

Other than telling him what I'm doing to remember Bailey by, we don't actually talk about the loss of Bailey. That's probably not the best way to deal with things, but we were starting to get into arguments, which I found hurtful not just to me, but also to Bailey's memory.

I'm hoping I'll find the right way to bring up Bailey in future conversations with him, but at the moment, it's just not working for me.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Letter to Bailey

I love you, Bailey. I miss you everyday.

I keep on wishing that things had turned out so differently and that you are still here with us. You would have been born very soon now (due on 11 August 2009). Brodie was born nearly 3 weeks early, so if I did have liver complications while pregnant with you, you would most definitely have been born a little early, too (probably at the end of this month), but at least you would still be here with us, not leaving us at only 5 months gestation.

I took Brodie to the park yesterday and he loved playing on the swings, slippery dip and rocking horse type of thing (but shaped like a snail). He had such a good time that he cried when we left - I now dream of you playing on the swings with Brodie and having such a good time, too. I miss you so much.

Lots of love,

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Tiny Footprints

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in Mummy, Daddy and Brodie's hearts, cause even though I'm gone now, we're never truly part.


Our beautiful baby son was born sleeping on Tuesday, 24 March 2009 at 11:32pm. We named him Bailey and he was 20 weeks gestation. Our hearts are crushed.

He was tiny and I spent 16 hours with my gorgeous boy after his birth. He had white blonde eyelashes and the start of blonde eyebrows. He looked so much like his Daddy. He was quite long and had large feet, so I can only imagine that he would have been over 6 feet tall when he grew up (Mummy and Daddy are quite tall). Brodie and Bailey would have been quite the gorgeous pair, no doubt with lots of lady admirers later on. We took lots of photos of our precious one that we will treasure always.

We miss him so much, we had so many dreams for our little one, and only after discovering that he was a little boy, he was then whisked away from us to Heaven. It will take a long time for things to feel normal again.

Bailey is now in God's care with all our departed family and friends, and we are so looking forward to seeing him again some day.

Love you, Bailey