Secret Garden Meeting - October

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been nearly 8 months since I lost Bailey but seems like only yesterday I said goodbye to my little boy. I've been thinking I'm doing okay with dealing with my grief, but I don't know whether I really have, or whether I've coped by not dealing with it at all. I'm sad that I never kept Bailey's ashes. I had them scattered in the Barossa Valley thinking that would be a sweet thing to do, but now it feels like I've just thrown him away, and so what I thought was a nice gesture has turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. Now, I can't even go into the Barossa without turning into a wreck, and that's only when I manage to actually go. Now I avoid the place as much as possible. We didn't have a memorial service for him, which is another thing I regret. Our pastor said we could have one when we are ready, but I should have done it straight away, as I now doubt it will ever happen. How could I have not done this? I felt I wouldn't be able to cope through a service, but now my feelings just linger, so I guess in a way I didn't really even say goodbye to him.

I don't feel any peace at all. I feel like I'm the only one who ever will love him, the only one to truly care. I'm pregnant again, but it doesn't take away the pain. Losing a child changes everything.

I'm tired of people wondering if I'll lose this baby, checking me every week that things are okay - why can't this pregnancy be treated like any other. I'm being positive that everything will be okay and that I'll bring home a healthy baby next year. Any anxiety is within me so I don't need other people creating more for me - which is exactly what happens when they question me every week. I told someone a couple of weeks ago about the pregnancy, and they said "that's a good thing, isn't it?", what!!!! Would I ever have thought about having another baby if it wasn't a good thing, if I thought every one of my pregnancies would end in loss - I can't think like that, I had to try again. I see my healthy (but oh so naughty) 2 year old, and think "I've done it, I had a healthy baby, so really there's no reason why I can't produce another healthy baby". Does losing a baby mean you can't try to have another?

I'm jealous of friends and family having babies without going through any pregnancy loss - seeing how easy it is for them, and them not knowing what it really feels like to lose a baby. I would never wish anyone to lose a baby, but at the same time, I feel so jealous that they don't have to spend the rest of their lives with grief, wanting their baby that they've lost so much.

I hope to get through this pregnancy, and have a baby at the end. I'm being positive and believe that this will happen (oh gosh, I pray that I do). I want my children to know their brother, and love him as much as I do. I know that with grief things are up and down, so all I can do is take one day at a time. I hope that I can forgive my choices for Bailey and that I've done the right thing by him, and that he is okay with that. I want my heart to feel again, and let people in that I've blocked out. I want to know that my husband still thinks about Bailey and hasn't just gotten over it (he doesn't mention Bailey in his prayers anymore and it's breaking my heart not to hear him say his name).