Holding my first newborn in ages

I held a newborn baby boy today, the first time since I lost Bailey.  I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to hold one so little.  It was wonderful to hold a brand new baby, sleeping, content and absolutely perfect.  He is beautiful.  I was thinking about Bailey and how tiny he was compared to a full-term baby (he would be nearly 5 months old now if he was born on his due date), and how my new little one will be just as warm, cuddly and content.  Brodie and I bought little Charlie a couple of jumpsuits, and Brodie knew that they were for a baby - he was so cute in showing my mum what we had bought for Charlie.

I was trying to imagine the baby with a cleft as mine will have a hole in his face.  Will people think my baby isn't perfect?  Will I be able to cope with the stares of strangers until my little one has his operation?  I'm really grateful for this chance to have another baby, but I can't help but think sometimes, why?  Not only did I lose a precious son, but everything else in my life has been so hard, so why does my son need to go through additional hardship, too?  Why does my son have to go through years of operations to achieve what all of us take for granted?

I guess I'm feeling a little bit sad today, maybe everything will be okay tomorrow, and I won't question things again, and I'll just be happy for my little one, and I'll know things will turn out okay.