Letter to Bailey

To sweet beautiful Bailey,

I miss you so much.  The missing of you doesn't seem to get easier in time.  Your baby brother has helped me heal so much though. 

I'm starting to live my life again after putting my life on hold after I lost you.  Even when I was pregnant with Kyle, I just didn't have the get up and go I should have had.  I missed you so painfully.  When I think back to last year, I can't believe how I couldn't even live my life for Brodie, he missed out on so much, but now I want to share life with him again.  We will have Christmas this year, when last Christmas I didn't even bother putting up the tree or decorations, Brodie didn't see Father Christmas - I just didn't want Christmas without you.  Brodie saw a Christmas tree in the shops a couple of days ago and asked me what it was, I felt so ashamed that he didn't know.  This year will be different, we may even buy a new Christmas tree.  I wish you were here, but I know you know what is happening here, and I know that you would want your brothers to celebrate Christmas and all that life has to offer.

I was also thinking of taking your brothers to the Zoo soon.  Last time I took Brodie, you were happily lazing about in my womb, and I was dreaming of taking the both of you once you were born.  My dream isn't going to come true now. 

I love you sweet baby.  Will miss you forever.

Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxxx

My Pop

Today my grandfather died.  We knew it was coming as he had advanced alzheimers and had refused food yesterday.  We didn't think he would die so quickly.  He had only been transferred to a new aged care facility that have better facilities to take care of him about a week ago.  Not sure how I feel yet as I'm probably still feeling a bit shocked.

My mum and I were discussing what we will do with his ashes.  When my Pop was capable, he always said he wanted his ashes scattered, but not in a lake, river or ocean.

We had Bailey's ashes scattered in the Barossa Valley.  I still feel uneasy with the idea of Bailey being on his own out there (didn't think or couldn't think at the time of how I would feel about scattering his ashes).

My Pop didn't remember us.  He didn't know who we were as far back as 3 years ago when we introduced Brodie to him.  He slowly forgot how to look after himself, forgot all the regular day routine, forgot his family bit by bit until he couldn't remember his sister.  It's a sad disease where a family member is robbed of all his memory.  We lost the Pop we knew a long time ago, but it's still so hard to hear the words "Pop died 10 minutes ago".  My Pop who lived to 92, but was so happy when he made it to 89 and didn't know he lived passed that, in his mind he was always going to be 89.

"Love you, Pop.  You have probably already met your beautiful great-grandson, Bailey.  He is beautiful, my gorgeous second born son.  He will hold your hand, and love you just like us.  Miss you, Pop, I've missed you for a long time"