Brodie has just turned 7, Kyle is 4 and Bailey is 5.
A lot of growing up has happened since my last post. Brodie is in Year 1 and Kyle is in pre-school and will be starting school mid next year.
Will and I have both lost a job, and found new employment. We now have a budgie and a cockatiel, a Siamese fighting fish, dabbled at keeping gold fish, but couldn't keep them alive for long. I have lost a LOT of family members, which is just the saddest. Finding that life just moves a long and we get swept into the roller coaster of it all.
One thing that has stayed constant is the love I have for Bailey (and all my children) every day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about him - ALWAYS. My love for him will always be. Brodie and Kyle also know Bailey and will just talk about him every now and then. Brodie says "there are 5 in our family, mum, dad, me, Kyle and Bailey".
My heart is in a better place and my grief doesn't feel as black as it used to be. I still think what I could have done differently, what decisions could have been made better, regret for the things that were decided (why didn't I keep his ashes, why didn't we have a proper funeral). My head was in such a haze, that decisions were made too promptly by two very sad and grief stricken parents.
I still collect photos for him, which I will place up here one day. For some reason I still worry for expecting parents. Not all pregnancies end with a happy bouncing baby afterwards. Not until I've heard of a safe delivery do I feel happy for them. Wish I didn't ever feel this way, but this is now the norm for me - no longer do I think everything will be as it should, but always what could go wrong.
In an earlier post I mentioned I didn't know what to do with people who I thought would be there for me but weren't in the early days after losing Bailey. Well, I can say I left them in my past. I didn't need friends who couldn't at least see if I was okay, so I dropped them all. Am I sad? No I'm not. I feel empowered to have done that. I need positivity, compassion, and love. People will come and go in your life, but try to keep the good ones :)