Our Update - 5 years 7 months since Bailey was born sleeping

Brodie has just turned 7, Kyle is 4 and Bailey is 5. 

A lot of growing up has happened since my last post.  Brodie is in Year 1 and Kyle is in pre-school and will be starting school mid next year.

Will and I have both lost a job, and found new employment.  We now have a budgie and a cockatiel, a Siamese fighting fish, dabbled at keeping gold fish, but couldn't keep them alive for long.  I have lost a LOT of family members, which is just the saddest.  Finding that life just moves a long and we get swept into the roller coaster of it all.

One thing that has stayed constant is the love I have for Bailey (and all my children) every day.  Not one day goes by that I don't think about him - ALWAYS.  My love for him will always be.  Brodie and Kyle also know Bailey and will just talk about him every now and then.  Brodie says "there are 5 in our family, mum, dad, me, Kyle and Bailey".

My heart is in a better place and my grief doesn't feel as black as it used to be.  I still think what I could have done differently, what decisions could have been made better, regret for the things that were decided (why didn't I keep his ashes, why didn't we have a proper funeral).  My head was in such a haze, that decisions were made too promptly by two very sad and grief stricken parents. 

I still collect photos for him, which I will place up here one day.  For some reason I still worry for expecting parents.  Not all pregnancies end with a happy bouncing baby afterwards.  Not until I've heard of a safe delivery do I feel happy for them.  Wish I didn't ever feel this way, but this is now the norm for me - no longer do I think everything will be as it should, but always what could go wrong.

In an earlier post I mentioned I didn't know what to do with people who I thought would be there for me but weren't in the early days after losing Bailey.  Well, I can say I left them in my past.  I didn't need friends who couldn't at least see if I was okay, so I dropped them all.  Am I sad?  No I'm not.  I feel empowered to have done that.  I need positivity, compassion, and love.  People will come and go in your life, but try to keep the good ones :)

2nd Heavenly Birthday

To my sweet baby Bailey,

Just wanted to wish you a very happy 2nd birthday.  Wow, two years ago you were born, two years ago we lost you. 

We will never forget you.

Brodie wanted to buy some wrapping paper today and as he knows it's your birthday, he wanted to wrap a birthday present for you. 

Love you so much.

Lots of love always and forever,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle
xxxxxxx

Merry Christmas, Bailey xxxxx

Merry Christmas, Bailey. 

Love you so much sweet angel baby.  Hope you had a gorgeous time with all your angel friends in heaven. 

Today your little brother celebrated his first Christmas.  I felt your presence all around him today.  I love my 3 little boys. 

Mummy still misses you and somehow I don't think that will ever change.  I guess the missing will get easier but the love I have for you will never change or end.

Today your aunty gave us a Christmas bauble with your name on it.  Wow, it was such a surprise and I got goosebumps and felt a rush of emotion, but it felt good to have your aunty acknowledge you and know how much such an item would help us this Christmas. 

Love you lots and lots.
Mummy
xxxxx

My Christmas Cards

I've written in my Christmas cards and decided to place a Christmas Tree with Bailey's name (from Carly) inside them.  I'm sending them to my aunties and other relatives, so they all know about Bailey and how much I love him, so I'm hoping that they enjoy having a photo of his Christmas Tree.

I printed them at K-mart today and the photo sales girl (she was pretty young so I'm not saying lady or woman) said the photos were very cute.  I've now run out of them, so will need to make another trip to K-mart to get some more (I'm sure my mum won't want to miss out).  The Tree does look so beautiful printed - I was surprised to see how well they print.

I LOVE YOU, BAILEY, SO SO MUCH xxxxx

Bailey and Christmas

Last year I didn't want Christmas.  Didn't want a Christmas without one of my babies being here.

This year I want Christmas for my two boys here (I'm very excited), but I feel the missing part of my family so much.  So, even though I think this Christmas is going to be very different for me, I'm aching a lot for Bailey.  It is obviously the festive season which has made me yearn for him even more than the normal everday yearning I feel.

Not sure if I'm saying this all the right way, but there's something deep going on inside me, which is making me miss him so very much right now.

Today I bought two teddies to donate to other families who lose their precious babies.  I buy teddies in Bailey's rememberence for Christmas and his angel anniversary's. 

I also need to start organising my Christmas cards and get something together for remembering Bailey to place in them.

Some Days are Hard

I'm feeling tired.  I'm tired of being stuck in this baby lost life.  I want to be like other family and friends, where they haven't lost a baby, haven't felt the endless loss, endless wanting, endless longing for a baby who isn't here. 

I'm tired of the judgements of people who haven't been in my situation.  It still hurts.  Do I just leave those people behind in my life and move forward somewhere else?

I did blame God, but I can't do that because he accepted my son in Heaven, raising him there.  I do wish things were different and that he could have stayed here instead.

I know I need to forgive people who I thought would be there for me, but weren't.  I know they didn't know how to respond or know what to say.  But, how did Kyle fall into this category too.  Why did hardly anyone want to celebrate his birth with me, why did people want to hold him after his surgery, and barely looked at him before?  It hurts like hell.  He was beautiful even with his cleft. 

Just random thinking, but some days are harder than others.

My Aunty's Funeral

Today we attended my aunty's funeral.  My aunty is the first of my dad's siblings to die.  She was such an energetic, lively, bubbly,  and happy lady.  She is going to be missed a lot.  She was always the one to keep the family together in some ways (I think my nanna was the one who made sure the family attended functions, etc. but she died when I was 15.  She was 94, so she had a long life and lived 16 years after my grandfather died).  She died of a stroke just like my nanna.  When she had the stroke she said she would fight it, but it was too severe and she couldn't swallow anymore. 

I saw cousins today that I hadn't seen in years, in fact I didn't even recognise some of them.  My aunty had prepared for this day and wrote her own eulogy about a year ago.  It was beautiful.  She was able to say things that happened in her life that no-one else would know, or remember.  It was strange to hear her call my dad "their baby brother", it wouldn't have been "baby brother" if someone else had written it.

The thing is when I'm now at a funeral, I think about them meeting my Bailey in Heaven.  I hope so anyway.  I wonder if he's there, too, waiting for them to arrive.  Was he there to great her with her husband, daughter, her mum and dad?  Would she even know who he is? 

On the way home, my mum suggested that her ashes be scattered where Bailey's ashes are.  I told her not to do that, as I regret so much that I did that.  I have no where to go to visit him, and have that special time with him.

My First Dream

I've had my first dream of Bailey.  It wasn't comforting, in fact it was a bit scary. 

In my dream I was going through his memory box and came across his hand and foot prints.  As I was looking at the prints, his hand prints were slowly fading until they were gone.  I woke up then.

Not sure what it means, but why dream of losing his hand prints when that is just one of the few items I have to treasure. 

His hand print reminds me though of how sick he was.  The nurses couldn't open up his hands to get proper hand prints as they were completely clenched.

I hate that question???

Why can't I say that I have 3 children?  Why doesn't the number 3 pop right out?  Why after saying 2, do I instantly right at that very moment of saying 2, do I instantly want to kick myself for not saying 3?  Why is the question of how many children I have, hurt me so much?

Every time I feel like I'm not being truthful to my Bailey.  It's way too hard.  I love him just as much, yet why can't I say it out loud? 

Brodie wanted to hold one of Bailey's teddies a couple of days ago.  I told him he could as long as he was careful with it.  He held it, cuddled it, kissed it and returned it back on top of Bailey's memory box.  He's only 3, but I think he is starting to know that the photo of Bailey is precious as well as the things I have around his memory box.

Letter to Bailey

To sweet beautiful Bailey,

I miss you so much.  The missing of you doesn't seem to get easier in time.  Your baby brother has helped me heal so much though. 

I'm starting to live my life again after putting my life on hold after I lost you.  Even when I was pregnant with Kyle, I just didn't have the get up and go I should have had.  I missed you so painfully.  When I think back to last year, I can't believe how I couldn't even live my life for Brodie, he missed out on so much, but now I want to share life with him again.  We will have Christmas this year, when last Christmas I didn't even bother putting up the tree or decorations, Brodie didn't see Father Christmas - I just didn't want Christmas without you.  Brodie saw a Christmas tree in the shops a couple of days ago and asked me what it was, I felt so ashamed that he didn't know.  This year will be different, we may even buy a new Christmas tree.  I wish you were here, but I know you know what is happening here, and I know that you would want your brothers to celebrate Christmas and all that life has to offer.

I was also thinking of taking your brothers to the Zoo soon.  Last time I took Brodie, you were happily lazing about in my womb, and I was dreaming of taking the both of you once you were born.  My dream isn't going to come true now. 

I love you sweet baby.  Will miss you forever.

Lots of Love,
Mummy
xxxxx

My Pop

Today my grandfather died.  We knew it was coming as he had advanced alzheimers and had refused food yesterday.  We didn't think he would die so quickly.  He had only been transferred to a new aged care facility that have better facilities to take care of him about a week ago.  Not sure how I feel yet as I'm probably still feeling a bit shocked.

My mum and I were discussing what we will do with his ashes.  When my Pop was capable, he always said he wanted his ashes scattered, but not in a lake, river or ocean.

We had Bailey's ashes scattered in the Barossa Valley.  I still feel uneasy with the idea of Bailey being on his own out there (didn't think or couldn't think at the time of how I would feel about scattering his ashes).

My Pop didn't remember us.  He didn't know who we were as far back as 3 years ago when we introduced Brodie to him.  He slowly forgot how to look after himself, forgot all the regular day routine, forgot his family bit by bit until he couldn't remember his sister.  It's a sad disease where a family member is robbed of all his memory.  We lost the Pop we knew a long time ago, but it's still so hard to hear the words "Pop died 10 minutes ago".  My Pop who lived to 92, but was so happy when he made it to 89 and didn't know he lived passed that, in his mind he was always going to be 89.

"Love you, Pop.  You have probably already met your beautiful great-grandson, Bailey.  He is beautiful, my gorgeous second born son.  He will hold your hand, and love you just like us.  Miss you, Pop, I've missed you for a long time"

Bailey's First Birthday (due date)

Bailey's first birthday passed (if he had have been born on his due date) in August.  He would be 1 now.  Gosh, I still don't get why these things have to happen, why some of us have to lose a much wanted baby.  I wish I could hold him again, I wish I didn't lose him, I wish I was celebrating his birthday with him.

Life is busy for us.  Brodie is nearly 3, Kyle is 5 months and I don't have any time to myself, but I love my boys and wouldn't have my busy life any other way.  I love their cuddles, their laughs, I love Brodie saying "love you" for the first time without me saying it first, I love that Kyle is trying to sit up already, but I still miss my boy that isn't with us who I can't share all the things of our world with him. 

"Dear Bailey,

Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle love you so much.  We wish you were here.  We will never forget you, we will always remember you.  It's not easy for Mummy to always bring up your name in conversation, but you are always in Mummy's thoughts. 

Hoping you are having lots of fun with your friends in Heaven. 

Lots of love always,
Mummy, Daddy, Brodie and Kyle
xxxxx"

When Kyle is Bailey!!!

Yesterday we took Kyle to church for the first time since his lip repair surgery.  Everyone who saw Kyle before the surgery, thought his lip is looking fantastic, which is to be expected because I think he is the most gorgeous baby around (and I thought this before the surgery anyway, once your baby is in your arms - nothing else is more beautiful). 

A friend came up to me and said "his name is Bailey, isn't it?".  My heart skipped a beat and it seemed an eternity before I could answer her.  I said "Bailey is the name of the son we lost, this is Kyle".  I wasn't prepared for anyone to call Kyle 'Bailey' and it was a huge shock.  She then remembered that Kyle's middle name is Bailey, and was able to cover up her embarassement with that. 

I read other blogs and read of mum's being able to talk openly about their lost babies, but I'm finding it harder as time goes by, and it hurts so much to now talk about Bailey.  I'm not trying to forget him (he is always in my thoughts every day), it's just too hard for me emotionally to explain to people about what happened to my middle son.  I wish things were easier.

Here are my gorgeous little firemen.

Lip Repair Surgery

Kyle's lip repair surgery was a huge success, and here is the result (3 days after).

Kyle - Lip Repair Surgery

Kyle's lip repair surgery has been booked for 6 July.  I'm nervous about my little one going into hospital for surgery, but I was told by the plastic surgeon that the surgery often only takes about 1 hour or less, so at least I'm not waiting for hours before I can see my baby again. 

Kyle's grown so much, and smiles and gurgles a lot.  Brodie has adjusted to life with his new little brother, and shows him a lot of love.  Gosh, they are so cute together.