Upsetting Baby Announcement

I attended the usual office communications meeting on Wednesday. An announcement was made that a work colleague's wife had just given birth. I did not know that he was expecting another baby, and was shocked to hear that his baby was due only a week after Bailey. When it was announced, the announcer didn't know what he had. Someone yelled out "well, it's alive", before someone else said that he had a boy. I was so hurt by that comment, I felt like saying "alive as opposed to dead, like my little boy", or even just walking out of the meeting without saying a word. I felt like my whole world came crashing down all over again. I wanted out of that meeting and couldn't wait for it to end. I didn't want to make a scene with over 40 people watching me, but I now wish I had have just walked out.

I just can't believe that the office is so divided that some of us didn't even know this person was even expecting a baby. I was completely shocked that another person was expecting a baby around the same time Bailey was to be born.

I will not be announcing another pregnancy at my workplace. I will just let management know, and leave it at that.

For some reason ever since the early stages of my pregnancy with Bailey, I've been reading birth announcements in the newspaper. I was reading last Saturday's paper and an announcement was made that someone's son was born and they named him "Bailey William (surname)" born on 8 August. Bailey's middle name is William. It was so strange to read that, but kind of uplifting also to know that there is a little Bailey William born around the time my Bailey William was to be born.

So, Bailey's due date came and went. I was glad to be home and with Brodie to remember and love little Bailey. I really wish he was here, and I was nursing my newborn right now.

Brodie finally got his new bed last Friday. It's taking a while for him to get used to it, but he's coping. It took over half a day to re-sort his room (really found out how small his bedroom is while trying to squeeze his new bed into it).

I also asked for prayer at church during worship on Sunday. It was the first time that I had enough faith to ask for prayer at the front from the elders.

To Bailey on your due date 11 August 2009

Dear precious Bailey,

Today is the day you were due. We miss you so much, we will never be able to express in words how much we miss and love you.

We're so happy you were created, but we're so sorry you couldn't stay with us.

Today Brodie and Mum made cupcakes in your honour (Brodie's contribution mainly was to lick the spoon, but he was watching the making process).

We then bought you a little teddy for your memory box.

And two photo frames for some of your photos.

We tried to find some teddy bears to donate to the hospital you were born in, but we couldn't find any that were suitable, so we'll have to do that another day.

We still find it so hard to believe that you left us in March. We wish that everything had turned out so differently, and that you were able to stay here with us.

You will always be our second child, and Brodie's little brother.

You will be forever in our hearts.

Lots of love always,

Mummy, Daddy and Brodie

xxx

The Secret Garden Meeting - July

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I see Bailey in Heaven with his two aunties (both born sleeping) and beautiful great-nanna looking out for him. I see him happy and healthy and playing with all the other children in Heaven. I don’t see him as a newborn, but a child with blonde hair and blue eyes, tall and gorgeous.

Bailey was due on 11 August 2009, so I still feel him here with me, even though I have to come to terms with the fact that he’s not. I imagine Bailey playing with Brodie in the park, going to school together, being best friends and having arguments and fights.

I also imagine him growing up – what he may have looked like as a teenager and then as a man.

I think about how my life would have been – so busy with two little ones running around the house, and what a fantastic big brother Brodie would have been.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

It’s been 4 months since I lost Bailey. At the moment all I want is Bailey – I wish things were different and that he would have been born either a couple of weeks ago, or born in the next few days.

I haven’t decided whether to try for another baby or not. If I were to fall pregnant, I’d be so happy, but frightened that I may lose another one again. At the time I was losing Bailey, I told Will that I couldn’t ever go through anything like this again. Not all pregnancies end in loss, and I did have a healthy full-term baby, so there’s no reason to think that I can’t again.

I’m being asked by people whether I’m pregnant or trying again or expecting me to do so –I would prefer they ask how I am rather than find out or speculate if I’m pregnant.