My Mum

My Mum passed away on Thursday, 9 April 2015.  I'm devastated.  She had been sick for a little while, but always managed to pull through, so this was totally unexpected.

I'm incredibly sad.  Mum was my best friend.  We talked on the phone nearly every day, I'd see her a few times a week, we shopped together almost every week.  I've lost a lot when Mum died.  I lost my friend, my adviser, my sympathiser, the person who was always, always on my side.

I held her head while she died, she was looking straight at me and there was nothing I could do.  I couldn't save her.  I panicked and told her to hang on, if only she could pull through then I'd keep her safe.  God needed Mum more than me, and He did give us a second chance together.

Even though I watched her die, I saw her in her coffin at her funeral, and I can't just pick up the phone and talk to her, I still can't believe she's gone. 

I wrote her eulogy, created her DVD of her photos for the funeral, but I've been on auto mode the whole time.  Numb to any feeling.

My last act is to pick up her ashes from the funeral home, and I don't want to do it.  I've been telling Will that we need to pick up Mum and in some ways, just saying Mum without the ashes, gives me comfort. I know that once I pick up her ashes, the whole reality of her dying will hit.

Mum is now with Bailey in Heaven.  I'm going to place some of Mum's ashes where we scattered Bailey's.  I feel so weak, so sad, so withdrawn.  I have Brodie and Kyle depending on me to be their Mum, and I know Mum would want me to carry on for them.  I just need to mourn first.

"I love you Mum so, so much and I'm so glad I got the chance to tell you how much I love you before you left.  Love you forever, and to the moon and back xxxx"