How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?
I see Bailey in Heaven with his two aunties (both born sleeping) and beautiful great-nanna looking out for him. I see him happy and healthy and playing with all the other children in Heaven. I don’t see him as a newborn, but a child with blonde hair and blue eyes, tall and gorgeous.
Bailey was due on 11 August 2009, so I still feel him here with me, even though I have to come to terms with the fact that he’s not. I imagine Bailey playing with Brodie in the park, going to school together, being best friends and having arguments and fights.
I also imagine him growing up – what he may have looked like as a teenager and then as a man.
I think about how my life would have been – so busy with two little ones running around the house, and what a fantastic big brother Brodie would have been.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
It’s been 4 months since I lost Bailey. At the moment all I want is Bailey – I wish things were different and that he would have been born either a couple of weeks ago, or born in the next few days.
I haven’t decided whether to try for another baby or not. If I were to fall pregnant, I’d be so happy, but frightened that I may lose another one again. At the time I was losing Bailey, I told Will that I couldn’t ever go through anything like this again. Not all pregnancies end in loss, and I did have a healthy full-term baby, so there’s no reason to think that I can’t again.
I’m being asked by people whether I’m pregnant or trying again or expecting me to do so –I would prefer they ask how I am rather than find out or speculate if I’m pregnant.
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4 comments:
Fiona,
Thank you so much for taking part :)
I too sometimes see my son as a grown man, a little older than what I am now. He looks so much like his Dad only with my dark hair.I remember people asking me if I was pregnant before they asked me how I was. some didn't even ask. Too awkward for them I guess.
I wish your heart peace. Your pain must be so raw right now. May you be surrounded by the ones that love you on Bailey's due date.
xxx
Oh Fiona...I had to leave this and come back- and still I'm fighting tears..... I see Matthew and Joshua grown up and not as newborns too- I can imagine them having wonderful fun with your Bailey. Our boys were due 28th september-although I always felt that was a bit ambitious.
You said you still feel Bailey is here with you....you know I have had the weirdest sensations...like I could still feel my boys in my tummy. Those sensations are only just starting to fade. That was painful and sweet at the same time.
I had similar thoughts about how crazy my household would have been with 3 little boys running around- oh how I would love to have that chaos now. I KNOW Caleb would have ADORED his little brothers.
I keep changing my mind about being pregnant again...some days I just want to try and then this fear and guilt wins out. I told Jason the exact same thing....I couldn't go through that all again either- I didn't ever want to try again-ever- for the first few weeks. So I guess I am healing somewhat already :-)
I am currently trying to deal with 2 close friends being pregnant again...I figure once I can deal with that a bit better I might just be ready to trust God again fully with another baby.
sending big hugs your way...
lots of love- me xx
I am so sorry for your loss! I am thinking of you this month especially as you approach your due date. Reading your post I sensed a lot of peace despite how raw and recent your loss is.
Thinking of you!
Hugs-
Laura
Oh Fiona, I am so sorry for your loss. i can't believe people are asking if you are pregnant. First of all, is it really any of their business, and secondly, how completely rude and insensitive (to all women, but even more so to those of us is this "group"). I mourn the loss of my son becoming a big brother as well. We had been reading a few books about big brotherhood before everythign happened, and he always had the biggest smile on his face, as if being a big brother was the greatest thing in the world...
I said I would never try for another child for months afterward, I just now have begun to think about the possibility, not sure. Take care of yourself, I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday.
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