Merry Christmas, Bailey xxxxx

Merry Christmas, Bailey. 

Love you so much sweet angel baby.  Hope you had a gorgeous time with all your angel friends in heaven. 

Today your little brother celebrated his first Christmas.  I felt your presence all around him today.  I love my 3 little boys. 

Mummy still misses you and somehow I don't think that will ever change.  I guess the missing will get easier but the love I have for you will never change or end.

Today your aunty gave us a Christmas bauble with your name on it.  Wow, it was such a surprise and I got goosebumps and felt a rush of emotion, but it felt good to have your aunty acknowledge you and know how much such an item would help us this Christmas. 

Love you lots and lots.
Mummy
xxxxx

My Christmas Cards

I've written in my Christmas cards and decided to place a Christmas Tree with Bailey's name (from Carly) inside them.  I'm sending them to my aunties and other relatives, so they all know about Bailey and how much I love him, so I'm hoping that they enjoy having a photo of his Christmas Tree.

I printed them at K-mart today and the photo sales girl (she was pretty young so I'm not saying lady or woman) said the photos were very cute.  I've now run out of them, so will need to make another trip to K-mart to get some more (I'm sure my mum won't want to miss out).  The Tree does look so beautiful printed - I was surprised to see how well they print.

I LOVE YOU, BAILEY, SO SO MUCH xxxxx

Bailey and Christmas

Last year I didn't want Christmas.  Didn't want a Christmas without one of my babies being here.

This year I want Christmas for my two boys here (I'm very excited), but I feel the missing part of my family so much.  So, even though I think this Christmas is going to be very different for me, I'm aching a lot for Bailey.  It is obviously the festive season which has made me yearn for him even more than the normal everday yearning I feel.

Not sure if I'm saying this all the right way, but there's something deep going on inside me, which is making me miss him so very much right now.

Today I bought two teddies to donate to other families who lose their precious babies.  I buy teddies in Bailey's rememberence for Christmas and his angel anniversary's. 

I also need to start organising my Christmas cards and get something together for remembering Bailey to place in them.

Some Days are Hard

I'm feeling tired.  I'm tired of being stuck in this baby lost life.  I want to be like other family and friends, where they haven't lost a baby, haven't felt the endless loss, endless wanting, endless longing for a baby who isn't here. 

I'm tired of the judgements of people who haven't been in my situation.  It still hurts.  Do I just leave those people behind in my life and move forward somewhere else?

I did blame God, but I can't do that because he accepted my son in Heaven, raising him there.  I do wish things were different and that he could have stayed here instead.

I know I need to forgive people who I thought would be there for me, but weren't.  I know they didn't know how to respond or know what to say.  But, how did Kyle fall into this category too.  Why did hardly anyone want to celebrate his birth with me, why did people want to hold him after his surgery, and barely looked at him before?  It hurts like hell.  He was beautiful even with his cleft. 

Just random thinking, but some days are harder than others.