Our beautiful baby boy ~Bailey~ was born sleeping on 24 March 2009
My lovely mum, Val, passed away on 9 April 2015 (my best friend)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Our Baby - Cleft Lip

We saw our new baby via ultrasound on Wednesday. We have good news and not so good news. Our baby looks healthy, active and was quite mischievous during the scan and we were so relieved to see our baby moving about.

We were told at the end of the scan that our baby has a bilateral cleft lip and most likely it extends to the palate. Being told news that something is wrong with your baby comes as a shock and after losing Bailey in March I thought that the outcome of the scan would be that our baby would be perfect in every way. Obviously this condition isn't life threatening and is repaired through surgery during the baby's first year in life, and then will require speech therapy as it grows and orthodontic work. We most likely won't be able to breastfeed, but I'm going to try my best to express as much as I can and then feed the baby through a modified teat. I guess once I got over the shock of hearing the news, and looked into the condition and knowing that other than the cleft lip and palate, my baby should otherwise be in excellent health.

The baby will now be monitored for how serious the cleft lip and palate is. It isn't at this point certain that the palate is involved, but as the lip is severly affected on both sides, it is most likely split too. The doctors want me to be as informed as I possibly can before the baby's birth and prepared for the outcome of what my baby will look like once it is born.

I love this baby no matter what and if others have difficulties coming to terms with our baby then it's their problem. I'm trying to toughen myself up now for the looks and comments that I'm sure I'll come across (gosh, I know I'll be so protective).

Please pray for my little baby that the condition isn't as severe as it could be, and that there are no other underlying conditions that sometimes are associated with a cleft lip and palate.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

19 Week Scan and Christmas Service of Rememberance

This afternoon I'm having my 19 week scan. I'm excited to be seeing my baby again, but also quite nervous, as at my 19 week scan with Bailey we found out he wasn't going to make it.

We are going to attend a Christmas Service of Rememberance on Sunday at the Funeral Directors that cremated Bailey. We get a chance to write in a Christmas card for our lost ones, and place them on the Christmas tree there. I've got a special Christmas card for Bailey, which says on the front "For you, Son", and then inside the card "Just to let you know you're always in many loving thoughts and happy memories - and that's especially true at Christmas - You're such a special son. Merry Christmas with Love", and then I'll write our special message to Bailey inside it. I'm looking forward to it as it is a chance for me to openly love my son. My parents are also coming and will bring a special card for Bailey, too.

We are not sure if we will find out what this baby is. Will doesn't want to know, but I do. I'm thinking another little boy, while Will thinks this one is a girl (first time in 3 pregnancies has he ever suggested it may be a girl - well he did get Brodie and Bailey right).

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting - October

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

It's been nearly 8 months since I lost Bailey but seems like only yesterday I said goodbye to my little boy. I've been thinking I'm doing okay with dealing with my grief, but I don't know whether I really have, or whether I've coped by not dealing with it at all. I'm sad that I never kept Bailey's ashes. I had them scattered in the Barossa Valley thinking that would be a sweet thing to do, but now it feels like I've just thrown him away, and so what I thought was a nice gesture has turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. Now, I can't even go into the Barossa without turning into a wreck, and that's only when I manage to actually go. Now I avoid the place as much as possible. We didn't have a memorial service for him, which is another thing I regret. Our pastor said we could have one when we are ready, but I should have done it straight away, as I now doubt it will ever happen. How could I have not done this? I felt I wouldn't be able to cope through a service, but now my feelings just linger, so I guess in a way I didn't really even say goodbye to him.

I don't feel any peace at all. I feel like I'm the only one who ever will love him, the only one to truly care. I'm pregnant again, but it doesn't take away the pain. Losing a child changes everything.

I'm tired of people wondering if I'll lose this baby, checking me every week that things are okay - why can't this pregnancy be treated like any other. I'm being positive that everything will be okay and that I'll bring home a healthy baby next year. Any anxiety is within me so I don't need other people creating more for me - which is exactly what happens when they question me every week. I told someone a couple of weeks ago about the pregnancy, and they said "that's a good thing, isn't it?", what!!!! Would I ever have thought about having another baby if it wasn't a good thing, if I thought every one of my pregnancies would end in loss - I can't think like that, I had to try again. I see my healthy (but oh so naughty) 2 year old, and think "I've done it, I had a healthy baby, so really there's no reason why I can't produce another healthy baby". Does losing a baby mean you can't try to have another?

I'm jealous of friends and family having babies without going through any pregnancy loss - seeing how easy it is for them, and them not knowing what it really feels like to lose a baby. I would never wish anyone to lose a baby, but at the same time, I feel so jealous that they don't have to spend the rest of their lives with grief, wanting their baby that they've lost so much.

I hope to get through this pregnancy, and have a baby at the end. I'm being positive and believe that this will happen (oh gosh, I pray that I do). I want my children to know their brother, and love him as much as I do. I know that with grief things are up and down, so all I can do is take one day at a time. I hope that I can forgive my choices for Bailey and that I've done the right thing by him, and that he is okay with that. I want my heart to feel again, and let people in that I've blocked out. I want to know that my husband still thinks about Bailey and hasn't just gotten over it (he doesn't mention Bailey in his prayers anymore and it's breaking my heart not to hear him say his name).

Monday, November 9, 2009

Letter to Bailey

Dear Bailey,

I'm still missing you so much. Thank you for coming into our lives even though it was such a short time, and even though you didn't get to take a breath of air, I got the chance to hold you and kiss you as much as I could in the hours that we shared together.

Thank you for sending down your brother or sister, and letting me know about the little bundle on your due date.

A couple of weeks ago at 15 weeks, I finally told work that I'm expecting your brother or sister. Everyone is very happy for me. Still lots of people don't know, and for some reason I'm finding it really hard to let them know - the words just aren't coming out of my mouth even though at times I'm desperate to tell. Why am I so scared to share my wonderful news? My baby bump is smaller than when I was pregnant with you and Brodie, but there definitely is a bump there. I'm so amazed how I've managed to now get to 17 weeks, and some people still not noticing.

With my wonderful new doctor, we finally got answers as to why things went so wrong while I was pregnant with you. I'm so sorry my blood caused all these bad things to happen to you. If I had have known this could have happened, I would have done everything I could to ensure your safety, and that's what I'm doing now to protect your brother or sister.

Brodie is now 2. Funny how the "terrible twos" have started right on time. Your big brother can really frustrate me, but he's such a gorgeous little man, so I never can stay too upset with him for too long.

I just wanted to write and let you know that I'm constantly thinking of you, constantly loving you, and constantly missing you.

Hoping you are having lots of fun in Heaven with all the beautiful angel babies up there with you.

Lots of love forever,