Mum

Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep

Mum's Angel Dust

I have some of Mum's ashes in this.  I love you Mum xxx

I also have some set aside for scattering where Bailey is, but I'm finding it really hard to do that right now, so I'll just hang on to them a little longer.

I love you Mum and Bailey, hope you are both having a great time in Heaven.  I'm looking forward to seeing you again soon.  You have to wait until my boys are all grown up, and they are out on their own, and not before I'm a Nanna, just so I can tell you both how beautiful the boys have turned out.  Like I said to you Mum, the best of the boys are from you.  Love you both so much xxxx

Love you, Mum xxx

Urgh

All I can think right now is "urgh".

God only gives us what we can take.  Really?  Urgh, I'm tired, I've lost 5 kilos and I didn't have a lot to lose, I'm sad, depressed, forgotten about.

God, please fill me again.  I feel empty and alone, even though I know this happens to a lot of other people.  I found a support page for daughters without mums, thank God.  I now belong to two groups - one for pregnancy and infant loss and now learning to live without my Mum, who was an absolutely important person in my life.  Urgh.

I had so much more plans with Mum.  I wasn't ready to lose Mum yet.  I still want advice.  I still want our chats.  I still want our shopping trips.  I still want to vent and complain with someone who completely understands me.  I still want to go out for lunch.  All these things are not the same without Mum. 

My Dream about Mum

I had my first dream about Mum.

We were having a second funeral, but this time the funeral home was so full that I had to sit on the floor at the front.  I sat next to Mum who was sitting on the floor, and thought nothing of it.  Someone gave Mum a present and I started looking for Mum's eulogy and making sure I had her photos.  I then realised Mum was sitting next to me.  I faced her and she looked straight at me.  I said "you're alive", she said "what are you going to do now?", I panicked and said "I have to stop the funeral".  I started panicking, and I guess that woke me up.

Not sure what this means.  It could mean a fountain of different things.  Why do dreams have to be so cryptic?

It was wonderful seeing her again.  She looked the same before her death, but a healthy sparkly version of her.  I'll never forget her looking directly at me in my dream with her big wide hazel eyes.  Those hazel eyes that none of us have inherited.  I've got blue, my boys have blue and my brother has dark brown, but no hazel in sight.

Love you, Mum - forever and to the moon and back xxx

Love you, Mum

Love you Mum and Bailey.

Wish we could chat like we used to.  Miss you both so much xxxx

I imagine Bailey is now a beautiful and happy 6 year old.  6 long years without my baby.

One Day at a Time, One Step at a Time

I know I can't force this.  Just have to remember one day at a time.

Days will be good, days will be bad.  Happy days, angry days.  Family will just have to follow the grief.

I've been here before.  I survived it.  I can do my best to do it again.  One step at a time.  I can do this.  Remember to breathe.  Don't force things to be better, don't pretend, take each emotion as it comes.

Must remember to breathe - take time for adjustment, ignore the people who annoy the life out of me.  Breathe.  Mum and Bailey will soon be proud of me - I will survive, one day.

Mother's Day

So, I have no words of how my Mother's Day went.

I felt unappreciated and it felt like just another day, nothing special, I'm not special - what's the point of it.  I don't have a mum I can spoil, I wasn't spoilt as a mum, but had to endure everyone else's love in.  It was just a rotten day.

I went to Dad's to help him clean his home as he has an inspection tomorrow.  I broke down in Mum's room.  Dad understood how I felt, but Mum always knew when things were wrong and always spoke up for me.  That is gone.  No-one on my side who actually does something, says something to make me feel better.

I miss her so much, it's so unbearable.  I can't control anything in life.  I can't keep my loved ones alive.  I lost one of my sons and now my Mum.  It's so hard.  I wake up in the morning and think, 'oh no, I'm still here'.  Last time I thought that I had just lost Bailey, and I know it's selfish to think like that with Brodie and Kyle here.  I just can't help it right now.

I think I've lost so much more than a Mum.  I'm so upset that she left me.  I just needed her to be stronger, just a bit for a bit longer.  If only I could have fixed what was wrong, made her happy, kept her safe.  "Why did you leave me, Mum?"

Mum's New Resting Place

We have found Mum's new resting place.  After completing the paperwork and paying for the site, it will then take up to 8 weeks before Mum can go in there.

So wish this wasn't real.

I now have a cold, and miss Mum's phone calls ever so much.  I'm sick and sad :(

I Miss You, Mum

I miss you so much, Mum.

Don't ever worry about anyone taking your place, that's not possible.

I miss our chats so much.  I miss going to the shops and stopping for lunch.  I miss your voice.

We are looking after Dad, and we think we've found a resting place for you now.  Dad is happy with it.  Dad misses you so much, even though you both fought like crazy.  He misses not having you around and honestly thought he would go before you.

My in-laws were shocked to hear that you're not in your resting place yet, and that I've got you here at home with me.  She actually pulled a face as if what I'm doing is yucky.  As you know, I don't take making decisions lightly and would never place you in the first spot available.  Plus I like having you here at the moment.  It's comforting to know you are in reach and I know you would like being around.  We love you that much, Mum, that we are doing things at our own pace to make things perfect for you.  Stuff what anyone else thinks.

Plus, after losing our Bailey and now you, death doesn't scare me like a lot of other people.

Love you, Mum xxxx

p.s. I dreamt about Aunty Rhonda last night.  I couldn't work out what she was trying to say to me.  She might have to visit me again.

It feels like my mind is going crazy.  I'm thinking of everything over and over.  I should have realised you were that sick earlier, maybe I should have pushed the doctors more, why or why didn't anyone help us.  You passed over right before my eyes and I couldn't stop it - eek, my mind is going crazy.  Then I feel angry that you left me.  Why did you leave me?  I was going to make you happy and spend lots of time with you, and once Kyle starts school next term, I would have even more time to spend with you, but now I can't because you are gone.  Love you, Mum, and I'm sorry that sometimes I do feel angry xxx

Eek, This Is Just Too Hard

Today my Dad and I visited a cemetery to find a perfect resting place for my Mum.

I also want one for Bailey, and thought this would be a great opportunity to organise something for him too.  We scattered Bailey's ashes, so the problem is, I don't have them.  They offered an alternative and that is to place extra writing on Mum's to include Bailey's date too.  Still thinking on this. 

We are still undecided as to where we will place Mum, so for now, she's here with me.  I'm sure that doesn't bother her one bit as we were so close.

Eek, I'm grieving all over again.  It's really hard again.  It's bringing back emotions I haven't felt in a while.  I don't like it.  I think I'm starting grieving for Bailey again too.  It was hard the first time, but it feels like a double dose of grieving.

People are non existent again.  Death really drives people away from you, and I'm bloody sick of it.  Just when you need people the most, that's when they aren't around.  If I hear anyone else say that they wanted to give me space, well I can tell you, THAT DOESN'T WORK.  More space, more time to think about things, more time I find out THAT I DON'T WANT AND NEED YOU!!!!

My best friend is the best.  I told her I appreciated all the messages, even when I didn't reply, she never let me down.  One message of support is all it takes, just to let someone know that you are thinking of them, nothing else required.  I don't need to sit for hours talking, I won't get in your way, but a few little messages here and there makes everything that much easier, to even know someone cares enough to send a quick 10 second text.

SO, GIVING ME SPACE HASN'T HELPED, JUST MADE ME REALISE YOU DON'T CARE EVEN WHEN I ALREADY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE CASE.

This is especially true for my in-laws when I need family the most - YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY YOUR ACTIONS HAVE PROVED THIS.  I'VE LOST MY MUM!!!!

Okay, anger grief has set in. I hope it eases soon.

Love you, Mum

My Mum

My Mum passed away on Thursday, 9 April 2015.  I'm devastated.  She had been sick for a little while, but always managed to pull through, so this was totally unexpected.

I'm incredibly sad.  Mum was my best friend.  We talked on the phone nearly every day, I'd see her a few times a week, we shopped together almost every week.  I've lost a lot when Mum died.  I lost my friend, my adviser, my sympathiser, the person who was always, always on my side.

I held her head while she died, she was looking straight at me and there was nothing I could do.  I couldn't save her.  I panicked and told her to hang on, if only she could pull through then I'd keep her safe.  God needed Mum more than me, and He did give us a second chance together.

Even though I watched her die, I saw her in her coffin at her funeral, and I can't just pick up the phone and talk to her, I still can't believe she's gone. 

I wrote her eulogy, created her DVD of her photos for the funeral, but I've been on auto mode the whole time.  Numb to any feeling.

My last act is to pick up her ashes from the funeral home, and I don't want to do it.  I've been telling Will that we need to pick up Mum and in some ways, just saying Mum without the ashes, gives me comfort. I know that once I pick up her ashes, the whole reality of her dying will hit.

Mum is now with Bailey in Heaven.  I'm going to place some of Mum's ashes where we scattered Bailey's.  I feel so weak, so sad, so withdrawn.  I have Brodie and Kyle depending on me to be their Mum, and I know Mum would want me to carry on for them.  I just need to mourn first.

"I love you Mum so, so much and I'm so glad I got the chance to tell you how much I love you before you left.  Love you forever, and to the moon and back xxxx"